The Life Of MissJo

week 20 july - 26th july 09

2009-07-26T13:46:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone so i'm bad at updating this blog lol so thought i'll do it every week much easier that way of course unless something really annoys me and i need a rant.

Monday July 20th
So it was my 25th birthday and i had a lovely chilled day our new sofa arrived at half 9 in the morning and then me and my dad chilled out on that it's like sitting on a marshmallow lol. then about 12ish the sky man came to do our mutliroom. Then around half 1ish me and my dad went shopping for some clothes as a birthday present from him. he was encouraging me to spend loads but i was very good and didnt take the mick! Then we came home and my mum popped round to see me and arrange our plans for tuesday. I was told i could have what i wanted for dinner so i decided on a mcdonalds and some big macs lol. I didn't have cake as i don't like birthday cake.

Tuesday july 21st
I woke up about 8ish as my feed finished and checked my sugars they were 16 which is high for me so was bit worried. But i was also still tired so went back to sleep. i then woke up again about 11ish and had some breakfast and a cup of tea. my mum said she'd pick me up about 2ish to go shopping. so i just chilled an watched tv about half 12 i went and got washed and dressed. then bout quarter past 2 we went shopping. my mum bought me some more clothes and some gladaitor style sandals as i'd been after some for ages. i also bought a dress with my birthday money. luckily i got it in a size 12 as i'd not of got into a 10 lol. then i chilled out round my mum's.

wednesday 22nd july
Annual review day ergh! I woke up so hungry as was not allowed feed =( had to starve. got to hospital about 20 past 9 and was put in sideroom. Then my 2 fave cf nurses came in i have a laugh with them. and one of them broke the news that she's leaving =( i was bit upset as i find it hard to trust nurses etc. Then i had my bloods taken nurse c said that my nice juicy vein looks fed up so she tried another with no luck. so i said to her to try the fed up vein and it bled like a trooper lol. so after bloods it was time for the awful glucose drink but cos f my peg it ment it could go in through there yay! So 10 mins after that i started feeling sick lol the physio came and saw me and we went over my posture etc. i hunch forward a little. Then the dietician came and saw me wasn't much she could say lol as my weight was stable at 58.2kgs. I was asked to do the big lung function tests but said can i do them in the second part of my review which is in august and they said yeah no probs plus i showed them harefields test results. After 12 i had my other bloods done and then i could eat oh my god that cheese roll i had was nice lol. then off to x-ray and then back to mum's.

thursday 23rd july.
didn't have alot to do today so asked my mum if i could go round hers again which i did. on the way there i said who fancies a pizza from asda i'm paying my mum said nah and then she was like ian you've gone past the turn into our estate. he laughed and went i want pizza lol. my mum laughed and said well if yu go back home i can get some money and grab some other bits from asda. When we were in asda some fat bird was starring at me and ian turned round and said would you like me to bluetooth you a pic of her! the woman soon turned away lol. i have noticed loads more people starring at me lately. anyway went back to my mum's and had some yummy pizza!

friday 24th july
i had planned to tidy my room do my washing and tidy the bathroom. That didn't go to plan after i had rung the hospital for my blood results. my blood glucose levels had come back high which ment i'm now over the borderline line! i was gutted as now there's talk of insulin i know it's not a big deal to some but everything i didn't want to happen is happening! i was told i don't have to change my diet just to keep checking sugars with food which i am. my crp though is 13 which is good. i did soom washing then went and had a sleep.

saturday 25th july
today i tidyed my room it was a pain in te bum lol but now my room is tidy yay! not really much else done today just chilled out and pigged out!

sunday 26th july
Today i have a afternoon of sports first f1 then motogp whoop! am just relaxing on the sofa at the mo but fancy some lunch so am gonna go make some in a min. hehe. anyway i shall update you on what happens this week. who knows what it will bring =)

so many emotions

2009-07-12T17:53:00.004+01:00

Hiya sorrry again for not updating my blog for a while. The latest news is on the 6th of july i was officially listed on the transplant list. I was so happy and overwhelemed that i had done it i had finally got there after months of hard work and some of he worst months of my life with all the stress and worry that i'd not make it but i did and i'm so proud of myself for fianlly getting there. Yes it was long and very painful. I had my peg put in which hurt but was worth it looking at me now. and also all the dental work which was painful as well. But i would do it all again if i needed to cos it was my golden ticket to the transplant list and i know that i'll ge tthem new lungs at somepoint this year. it's a feeling i have and my mum feels the same. 2 postive things have also come from this actually 3
1. i am so much better with my medication and physio and feeds etc.
2. i've gained a huge amount of weight in a short space of time. and am maintaining it well.
3. i'm over my phobia of dentists lol and am now registered with a dentist :)

So i thought once i was listed all the stress would go away and that i could sit back and relax and juts wait for that call. How wrong was i? first few days of being listed i was a nightmare constantly on edge everytime my mobile rang i would jump. and get excited then deflate when i saw it was one of my parents lol. sounds harsh but i just want that call. Then the dreams oh my god i had dreams the first few nights that i was having my transplant. But now i'm alot calmer and relaxed and am just taking each day as it comes. I don't know when i'll get the call but i know from what my hospital said i'm a really good match for alot of people as i have the height the weight, the blood group and also i have a big chest which all helps. so they said i prob won't be waiting long but who knows. My bag is all packed so is my dad's and my mum's lol. my dad is on edge waiting for the call which makes me chuckle. I bout loads of new jogging bottms and cardigans that button up as from what people have said it's painful lifting your arms for a while. also got button up pj's.
I am scared of transplant but the only thing i'm really scared of is the tube still being down my throat when i wake up. as they don't remove it till there happy that your ok breathing on your own when awake which i understand but i know me being me i'm gonna be pulling on that thing when i wake up. and i'm abit nervous bout the chest drains and how many there will be it can vary from 2-6 i was told but we will see. just be nice to breathe properly again. I'm also going to write a letter for the donors family to say thank you. I know my dad is gonna be a right mess during the op as he was on edge when i was getting my peg put in lol bless him. they will be updated every now and then i have been told.

not much else to report. I set dave my dog up on facebook after seeing gemma's dog alfie had a account lol. and my mum has been off work the past week so spent a few days round hers hanging out which was nice she dyed my hair red but cos it was black it's not really gone very red it's kinda black with a red tint lol.

it's done

2009-07-02T21:31:00.001+01:00

yay all of my dental work is done i go back in 6 months for routine checkups.
i have been prescribed some toothpaste and told to buy an electric toothbrush. i'm so happy.
i was told to go home and rest but i went shopping instead haha needed some food. my mouth was fine didn't hurt at all. :)

so now just wait to be rang and informed that i'm listed and hen just wait for that special call. :)

Really getting bad at this

2009-06-30T21:04:00.002+01:00

Hello bloggers! yes it is i bad blogger lol i have been so bad at updating this lately so have quite a bit to tell.

I had my first dentist appointment on monday the 15th and she had a look at my teeth to see what needed to be done she said i need 5 teeth out and 3 fillings. she didn't do any work that first day as it was just a meeting to see what needed doing and when we can do it all. She did clean my teeth for me though which was nice and told me and showed me how to clean my teeth properly. I then booked 3 appointments which i got upset about as wanted it done asap.
But things are going better then i thought. Anyway i went back on the 22nd for my first treatment she filled 2 of my teeth and pulled 2 teeth out it was abit of a pain trying to get this 1 tooth out as it didn't wanna come lol the worse thing about having teeth out i find is the taste of the injection stuff lol ewwww! and of course after the treatments done your dribbling everywhere and have a lisp when you talk cos your mouth and tongue are numb lol.
Anyway after she'd fnished she called my mum and told her i'd done well which i had didn't flinch or complain at all :) and that i need to rest the whole day and not to rinse my mouth out till the following day and to give me pain killers for the pain. so got back to my mum's where her partner ian kepting saying what to everything i was saying when you could understand me perfectly well ok not 100% perfectly but my mum could lol. i fell asleep and then woke up complaing that my mouth hurt so was given some solphadeine which done the trick. anyway i had end of iv's meeting at hospital on thursday and was in alot of pain with my tooth still the one she took out at the back hadn't hurt once. so at hospital i was very quiet and said i was in pain with my mouth and one nurse said my face did look swollen. she wanted to take blood but i wasn't in the mood for her to train on me lol then the other nurse did it but cos my veins are so big and bouncy it kept moving and it actually really hurt so i asked her to remove it and not continue. also couldn't do lung function cos i was in so much pain pretty much a wasted trip!
on way home i text my mum and said surely i shouldn't be in this much pain still. so she rang the dentist and they said it sounds like dry socket can you bring her down asap. so i told my dad i needed to go dentist we had just got in from hospital and he was a bit annoyed cos he was tired and hungry. we got there and i had to wait 15 mins to be seen i was crying at this point cos thought my dad was in a mood with me and cos i was in pain. anyway when i was called in the dentist had a look at my tooth and said there was food debry in there and that it had become infected! so she said she will put a special filling the hole that will clean it she asked if i wantd to be numbed up for it i said no cos didn't no she'd actually be using anything sharp or poking it. well my mistake she started scrapping in the hole with a sharp thing and it hurt so much that my feet shook. and then she put the stuff in my god it tasted awful ergh! but within 10 mins the pain had gone it was fab! she also gave me some antibiotics for the infection aswell.

That night my mate text me about icheal jackson and that he had apparently he had died shock! i thought it was a joke but nope t was true. he also had a ticket for the concert. anyway at half 4 that morning i was vomitting my feed came up all of it! it burnt my nose and throat.
that morning when my mum came to pick me up and i was not feeling well at all.
we got to the dental surgery and i was sitting there and i said she's only doing a filling today this isn't going to be finished next thursday :( but when she got m in the room she said that cos of my upper tooth she could't do the filing so could she pull the 2 bottom teeth out i jumped at the chance of getting rid of 2 more teeth :) so 2 more gone got one more left to come out on thrusday and one more filling. it also turned out after speaking to my gp the pills for my infection were to strong so have had to cut the pills in half and have half twice a day.

also me and my dad had a little tiff and i ended up sitting in the kitchen he came out 10 miins later and we pretty much forgot about it all and were talking bout his work etc.
then the phone rang. and i answered it it was my grandad and he was like is that joanne i was like yeah he was like i don't like what you put on your facebook status and i have commented on it. i was like what? he said i put that's not facebook material to which i replied it's my profile i'll put what i want he said but everyone can see it i said so it's my profile. then he asked for my dad so i passed the phone to him. he was like what you said to upset Jo. and then i heard my dad saying it's her profile dad that's her place to vent. she can put what she wants. then my dad said well i'm getting pissed off with this i had my sister texting me the other night asking what drug jo was taking and is it legal and do i know about it. my dad was not amused. anyway my dad said bye and then i got upset thinking that i had caused a massive row between them my dad said not at all my dad was angry that he had rung to complain it's nothing to do with him.

anyway what i put was something about i'm always in the wrong in this house and my brother gets away with everything even tho he treats me like shit.

anyway they prob won't talk to me now my grandparents but there ya go not like they know me anyway

the joys of iv's

2009-06-19T14:48:00.002+01:00

So am now midway through my 2 week course. my stomach is not happy i have the runs but i am still eating loads lol. Had my second venflon put in yesterday as my other one leaked so i removed it myself. i have thrush in my mouth and stupid cold sores on my lips ouchies!!! but it's all worth it if i makes my lungs better from this flare up.

got dentist monday and am having some teeth out possibly 2 lol all i had done this monday just gone was my teeth assesed and cleaned which was cool i need 5 teeth removed and 2 fillings but main thing is that the teeth are taken out. i can be listed with needing fillings. got a new phone for my birthday which isn't till 20th july but my mum thought i deserved it early. only problem is she got me the wrong one that i wanted lol she wasn't happy with it anyway. she got a nokia n95 for her birthday and now wants to get me one lol so am getting another phone for my birthday now. lol bless her

iv's time

2009-06-11T21:12:00.002+01:00

So am back on iv's hospital went well everyone was pleased to see how well i had done with my weight they were shocked and couldn't believe it. i am dead on 9 stone now never been that much ever. I got angry and upset tho cos the physio kept goin on at me to excerisie saying now the weight is on i need to excersise i was like erm i would if i could breathe better i get exhausted just getting dressed or going to the toilet. she just kept going on and on and she always moaned when i didn't cough alot up and i told her i was coughing loads up since being on mucodyne and she said that's not right the amount i'm coughing up argh can't bloody win. Then i'm being told i'm the same as everyother cf patient and i said i beg to differ no 2 people are the same everyones body reacts differently to things which is true i mean i'm allergic to ceft and other cf's aren't but might be allergic to something i am not so that is my point no 2 people are the same. but she wouldn't shut up my mum was gonna say somthing but knew that i'd say something eventually which i did. I said to her look this is why me and the other physio fell out so lets just cut this conversation now before it gets into a argument. so she shut up!

after about 20 mins she walked past my room again and i tell ya if looks could kill i would of fallen down dead lol but hey i don't care everyone else is pleased with me. also the physio said i am not looking after myself by not coming in to get iv's erm dur that's why i was there for i was the one who asked to come down to get iv's god!!!

i was back with my ex but today after seeing something on his facebook profile i said that it's over. This may sound so petty and stupid but it has really upset me. My ex best friend and i obviously don't talk and i hate her she said before xmas i didn't deserve new lungs and that using a wheelchair was just pure lazyness so i hit back with really horrible things to. But anyway a few weeks back it was her birthday and i found out that my bf/ex was going out that night so knowing that one of his mates was going out with my ex best mate i had a gut feeling that he was going aswell. Loan behold pictures turned up on his facebook profile of him out for her birthday so i said he should of told me and that i was not impressed as he knows how hurt i am cos of her comments he should be supportive of me. Anyway he said he never spoke to her or anything. Then i said ok promise me you'll never add her to facebook. He promised and then today i looked at his profile and he had added her i was gutted and feel so bloody stupid as everyone keeps telling me and it just don't sink in argh!!!!! stupid me. anyway am going to start getting my iv's mixed as gotta mix them myself for tonight and tomoz morning. bye bye everyone x

Big brother

2009-06-08T18:02:00.002+01:00

god why do they always put weirdos and tarts and fame hungry people in there does my nut in but hey gives me something to watch i suppose.

bit annoyed at the moment just some people saying bout tx and how scary it is and they don't now how they'd cope if it happened to them or it was there child going through it. I know people think it's scary but i look at it as a chance of another go at life again. I'm more scared of being how i am now the rest of my life. sorry to moan i haven't moaned for ages lol but just annoys me. maybe i'm just different and look at things differently. anyway not much to write again really me and my bro had a row about how messy i am. I shouted at him saying he hated caring for me. Bit childish of me but i was tired lol not good to mess with when tired lol. anyway he apologised and said he loves looking after me as i'm his baby sister lol bless. am going to hospital thursday probably for some iv's as it has been 2 months that i haven't had them which is a record for me lol. got dentist next monday. well am off cos my dad will be home soon so it's cup of tea time yay bye bye xx

ASDA

2009-06-07T16:39:00.001+01:00

what a nightmare we walked round the carpark looking for a wheelchair trolley. and then when we complained to customer service all the woman kept saying was sorry sorry sorry! argh! then everytime we go to asda we alway have a problem getting the wheelchair and the trolley down the till aisle as it's so bloody narrow. well we did again but the wheechair and trolley wouldn't go at all. so my dad had to push me right down the tills and through the self serve ones and back up there other side. the woman at the till then said that till 36 is the wide aisle one. 1 wide aisle till out 50? what a bloody joke. So anyway i've emailed them complaining and also threatening to report them to trading standards cos from what i know about retail and diabled needs they don't meet the standards required. a mother with a double buggy couldn't even get through them

Anyway my mum came round today to help me clear my wardrobes of clothes that no longer fit me. got rid of a whole binbag full lol. watched the turkish gp and yet again BUtton won yay!!!! am so happy :)

terrible

2009-06-06T20:59:00.002+01:00

I'm so bad at updating this thing lately lol
not got much to say really went dentist monday she said he couldn't do the work as my oxygen is a problem and i'd need to see a hospital dentist so am seeing one on the 15th of june and me and my mum are pushing for the work to be done quickly might even be put out for it. as soon as the work is done i can be activated that same day. other then that i've just been relaxing and sleeping as been so tired think i have a infection coming on wll will try and update this more often bye bye for now

i'm listed!

2009-05-28T16:44:00.002+01:00

Well i'm home and listed lol but i'm not active yet as need to get my teeth sorted was told if i just need fillings then i can be activated after seeing the dentist but if i need teeth removing then i can't be activated till that's done but the dentist i am seeing is gonna try and do her best to get it all done asap which is fab! my room is all finished aswell will post pics up at some point. this is just a quick blog as am shattered lol will update properly tomoz. But wanted to say thanks to evryone who has messaged me and who has been postive for me you all know who you are :) xx

nearly that time

2009-05-24T19:20:00.002+01:00

It's nearly here harefield time. I'm not as nervous as i have been over the weekend i have mangeded to calm myself down. i was a bit of a mess mid week about it all but realised i was being silly and have now pulled myself together lol.

I got ym new car on friday i love it. my dad loves it aswell as obviously he has to drive it cos i can't drive yet. lol
got y new bed coming wednesday so that when i get out of harefield i can sleep in my room yay. I also spoilt a surprise that my dad had for me lol he bought me something that is also coming wednesday but he refused to say what it was. So me being me decided to try and guess i kept guessing wrong until i went in my room and looked around then looked at the telly on the floor and though hmmm maybe he's got a new one. So i then said you've got me a new tv haven't you his reply was how'd you know that. which gave it all away lmao. apparently it's red to match my theme of my room. i'll pst pics up when my bed is in. cos then it'll be finished properly. i can't wait :)

I'm all packed for harefield my mum came over yesterday and took my washing to do for me. and then brought it back today and helped me pack. I don't have to go in till the afternoon as it's a bank holiday so no tests will start till tuesday. my dad bought som scales ysterday as i haven't got any to weigh myself. I weighed myself today and i am now 54.9kgs i am so pleased never weighed this much in my life :) wohooo!

funky munky!

2009-05-18T21:42:00.002+01:00

Been a boring day today not done much. my mum came round to help me move all my clothes into my new wardbrobe. my new bed is hopefully coming thrusday and picking my new car up on friday so busy week ahead as tomoz got carper fitters coming and wednesday my new chest of drawers are also coming argh! lol

my dad has been painting today so been limited to were i can go am stuck downstairs now i really want a bath but all the wood work is wet so can't have one. will have one tomoz after the carpet is fitteed and am free to roam the house again lol. had another 2 big macs today lol mmmmm!

found a wicked website to edit pics on it's wicked. heres one i made earlier

been a while

2009-05-17T16:36:00.002+01:00

Gosh I'm bad at updating this thing lol. Well not really much to put to be honest I'm still munching my cakes for breakfast. and also remember that pink and black jacket i couldn't decide if i should buy it or not? well it was reduced to half price the other day so i bought it he he.
my room is finally finished being painted and the red i picked is perfect for my Betty boop theme. also my new wardrobe is up and it's huge lol. The chest of drawers i wanted are to big to fit in my room so have ordered some new smaller ones. they will be here Wednesday. My dad is busy painting the downstairs hallway and upstairs hallway as we have new carpet being fitted Tuesday. My car number plate should be released tomoz so once that's done i can get a date ready to pick the car up yay. can't wait but will miss my red Betty :( I am getting nervous about harefield as it gets closer eeeeek! I'm still waiting for my new bed to arrive my dad is gonna ring them tomoz and find out if they can give us a date for it. Also not getting a stair lift now as our stairs are to awkward for one to go in. but I'll manage some how the exercise will do me good i guess lol. well everyone will try and update this better then i have been. am going for a cup of tea now and to watch deal or no deal lol

hey fatty fatty!

2009-05-08T21:25:00.002+01:00

So got to clinic on Thursday and was so nervous. I got onto the scales and as soon as i stepped on them it said 50kgs and kept going up and evenutally stopped at 53.4kgs i was in shock lol i knew i'd gained weight but hadn't expected to be that much lol I am very pleased and happy now that's one hurdle out the way. My dietician said she is pleased and can now take me off the worried weight list lol. Harefield can now not refuse me on my weight. They also think i'll be able to keep it on aswell if i keep doing feeds which i plan to as i am in a routine with them now.

I bought some new tops yesterday lol some nice blue ones for summer woo! there baggy ones so they'll hide my fat pot belly hehe not that i'm ashamed of it just like to keep it covered over.
also ordered my new wardbrobe yesterday which will be here next thursday my dad is gonna start doing my room next week. bought some books aswell to keep me occupied. I watched twilight again last night love that film can't wait for new moon to come out in november! :D anyway must go and do my neb take care all x

New reading material

2009-05-05T22:17:00.002+01:00

So i have finished the twilight saga and my gosh i really enjoyed it. Am sad it's had to end but now i must move on to find some new stuff to read. i have both of katie prices autobiographys to read. But i'll prob get through them quickly so am looking at other stuff to seen some books that look good. Got my mum coming over tomoz to help box stuff up in my room as next week my dad is going to be gutting it. I wanted it painted red but i hate the samples i got so now have to look around again! not really got much to say other then my cat is better now he had a big fight and hurt his jaw and just kept meowing and hiding around the house but he is ok now thank god i was very upset he is my baby after all.

My belly is huge aswell i look so pregnant lol i think i am over 50kgs now looking at myself. soon find out wedneday lol. well must dash as gotta go do some physio then start my feed.

new car

2009-05-03T17:45:00.003+01:00

Me and my dad went to look at wardbrobes the other day and he said would i like a new car. Now as some of you know i don't drive but in 2007 i bought myself a little red polo to learn in as i was going to start lessons. But my health got bad so i couldn't carry on learning. So that was put on hold but i decided i wanted to keep my car as it wasn't costing me much and my dad could use it when it was raining etc (his car doesn't like the rain it wheel spins and is expesive to run petrol wise lol) So he government have this new scrapping scheme coming in on the 18th of may so we went and looked at cars and he was keen on a hyundai i10 i had no idea what one looked like so he went to show me one and i really liked it. He said would you like it then and i was taken back saying no it's to much money etc. and he mentioned the government scheme saying that if i scrap my old car they'll give me 2 grand towards a new one. So i met all the criteria for that i had to be the registered keeper which i am and i have had to have owned the car for 2 years or more which again i have and also the car had to be a certain age which my car is a good 12 years old. so it took 2 grand off the brand new car and my dad payed the rest towards it. I can't wait to get it it's black so am naming it black betty. i get to choose the number plate i want as it's brand new which will be cool. and after my tx i can learn to drive and drive black betty hehe! until then my dad will drive her and his car. :)

Have be carrying on with my cake diet lol all is going well i look a good four months pregnant hahaha my size 8 jeans don't fit me on my hips now argh! it's annoying so need to work out what to do about them maybe i'll cut them down the waist band to make them a bit looser!.

I am nearly finished my 4th twlight book i was going to read it slowly but so much was going on and i couldn't put it down cos i wanted to know what was happening lol i am really enjoying it though hehe. can't really say much about it cos it will ruin it for those who haven't read it yet.

Helping daddy spend

2009-04-30T21:48:00.002+01:00

Been chilling out and reading my twlight books the past few days. I finished the 3rd book eclipse i liked it and now have a new found apprication for Jacob Black i actually feel sorry for him and i wanna hug him bless him. Am now on the 4th and final book in the saga :( but am going to try and take this one slow so it doesn't end so quickly lol but then again that won't be hard as the book is bloody huge good 800 pages long lol.

Me and my dad popped out today to look at beds he had one that he really wanted to get me but wanted my approval first so i went and had a look. I loved the bed it is so comfy it's adjustable and all mattress foam. the lady said it comes with a massage unit aswell if i wanted and i looked at my dad and he said yeah she'll take it lol. i hate that he spends so much money on me. Bless him we are looking at wardrobes tomoz gonna get some mirrored door ones.
We also went and bought a new sofa as he really wanted to get one it's beautiful i didn't wanna get up out of it lol.

been having my usual breakfast of cake lol but asda ran out of victoria sponge cake so i got apple and cream sponge cake it's actually really nice though lol. I must rig the docs tomoz to make a phone consultation appointment as need some more drugs lol but can't be bothered to go up there and waste his and my time so gonna ring instead. Plus i can imagine the syrgery is gonna be full of people with cold and flu cos there gonna scared they have swine flu. anyway gonna go get ready to watch the inbetweeners hehe love it bye bye x

cake cake

2009-04-27T12:30:00.003+01:00

MMMMMMM CAKE! yes i am still having a whole victoria sponge for breakfast lol My mum popped round yesterday to collect her avon stuff i'd got her. And she said i can't imagine you eating a whole victoria sponge i laughed at said it's gone within 10 mins lol. She then said your looking alot fatter since i last saw you she said my shoulders were fuller. and then she laughed and called me hamster chops hahaha! i then laughed and went oi dad's already clamied that nickname as he had already called me it the night before lol.

I've had a pretty nice weekend as i have just been relaxing and reading my twilight books i am now halfway through the 3rd one but think i'll be finished today as it has gotten so good i can't tear myself away from it lol. Kinda sad though cos afted this book it's the last one and i kinda don't want them to end. :(

Bella is starting to annoy me abit in the books now though with her annoying worrying about jacob and edward it's like hello there vampires and werewolfs duh! not like there weaklings really. she's abit dumb in my eyes lol but maybe that;s cos i like edward yes i like a fictional character i'm sad oh well lol. and she keeps going on and on about being made a vampire like it's the easiest thing for someone to do to her god she does annoy me bloody woman! But i am really enjoying the books.

I dyed my hair the other day as i was bored it kinda a reddy black it's nice well i think so anyway sits nice against my porcelin skin. I was shocked at how pale i actually am the other day when i sat in the garden i was like wow my skin is milky lol but hey i don't care i am who i am :)

had to order bigger sized jeans saturday as my plan to make the ones i had fit didn't work i cut down the waist band and they still didn't do up :( so i bought 4 pairs of size 8 jeans from asda all long of course. Hopefully they'll come tomoz. my dietician rang me friday aswell just seeing how i was doing she laughed at my cake eating aswell lol. and She also let me know my crp was down to 19 which i was pleased about :) and my potassium is normal so all is good. my chest is doing ok at the moment although the past few days i have had this weird thing happen where i cough a couple of times and then aload of gunk just shoots out like a fountain it's freaky lol something lke the exorcist hahaha! but hey better out then in :)

Bloody nose.

2009-04-22T21:29:00.002+01:00

My nose is soooooooooo sore the oxygen specks have really dried it out big time but it's kinda worth it in away cos means i can breath with the specks up there lol whereas if i didn't have them on i'd struggle.

My dad was laughing at me earlier as i was sat on the sofa and somehow i had managed to wrap myself up in my oxygen tube hahaha it was funny i was stuck and couldn't work out what the hell i'd done to get myself so wrapped up. :P

I've been feeling very well since i started taking my doxycyclone full time now which is great but i am still struggling abit with tiredness so am going to start taking potassium tablets again as my potassium does like to drop alot stupid thing.

My dad bought me lot's of asda victoria sponges the other day so that i could freeze some as it has now become my thing to have for breakfast yes a whole vicotria sponge hahaha! mmmm cake!

I just can't get enough! oooooo!

I did have a little cry earlier though i'll admit i asked my brother for help moving my books and stuff so i didn't have to keep going back and forth. And he came down and shouted at me :( I cried after he had gone back upsatirs and then went on strike and stopped everything i was doing and had a nap. He then came down and woke me up and asked if i needed help now. I said no in a sulky voice and told him he had upset me for shouting and he apologised so then i made him hoover hahahaha!

I finished my first twilight book today it wa sooooo good i was so pulled into the story and am totally head over heels in love with the male charcter edward cullen lol sad i know but he is amazing. Am looking forward to curling up in a little bit on the sofa and starting the second book called new moon. So before i can get on with reading i must go and do some physio and nebs and take all my tablets. I really want some cake but must not have any now as i am going to start my feed at about half 10 so must have a empty tummy :P i love having my feeds cos i'm getting a right little porker now. I can't afford a load of new jeans so i have had to cut my old ones on the waist so that i can do them up hahaha but it's cool cos i wear long tops with jeans so no one would know so shhhhhh it's a secret ;) bye for now let's hope for some more lovely sunshine tomoz xx

I just can't get enough!

2009-04-20T19:37:00.002+01:00

Of cake and twilight the book lol I got them this afternoon all 4 books and i am on book one still but am now halfway through as i just couldn't tear myself away from it i love it. I like how it takes you away into the world of bella and how she craves edward cullen mmmm! he's fit well the guy who played him in the film was anway lol.

Imagine craving someone so much like she does must be an amazing feeling. can't say i've ever felt that stringly about a guy but then again edward is mystreious and dangerous and that's very attractive. well just thought i'd post that quick topic lol as i'm getting bad at updating this thing.

funny times!

2009-04-17T11:45:00.002+01:00

wednesday i went out with my mum and ian to the pet shop i bought Dave some more toys lol he's spoilt. Then went back to theres for a cup of tea and dinner.

Thursday was clinic eeek! I was very nervous but all went well my mum came along for support. My weight has gone up to 48.7kgs i am now 7 stone 10 haven't been that for years lol. lung function is also stable so no iv's again thank god if i need them i don't mind having them but if the docs think i'm doing ok not on them then cool. so all went well i got extra tubing for my concentrator as i couldn't move very far on it. but now with extra tubing i can go in the garden move about in the kitchen and even answer the front door on it it's great :) am so happy now.
I ordered the whole series of the twilight books for 35 quid on ebay brand new copies. they should be here soon. also ordered 2 of katie prices books as her frist one was really good.

I don't plan on doing much today as i'm so tired also worked out why i find it hard to sleep at night. It's because i haven't been having my fan on. since having it on i'm out like a light lol. also my dad bought a new tv the other day it's bloody massive and very nice i like it loads. :) anyway i'm off to surf the net some more bye bye xxx

13 parcels

2009-04-12T15:39:00.002+01:00

as the title says i am awaiting a tota; of 13 parcels tut bad Jo ebay really is evil and addictive. my mum keeps shwoing me betty boop stuff on there aswell so of course i buy it lol. anway so postman is going to love me this week and my brother is gonna be pleased hahaha! not! but oh well i deserve some nice things i have done well lately.

it's easter today and i'm bored bored. my mum popped over this morning to see me and my bro and she got me a little betty boop compact mirror and a notebook betty boop style of course. and she got me a lovely white chocolate egg. mmmmm i like white chocolate.
my dad got me a box of roses choccies and a box of milk tray. and also he bought me some baseball boots pink ones hehe! haven't got them yet though there one of the parcels i am waiting for. :)

god there is nothing on tv boredom is annoying might just have a little nap me thinks.

bad ebay!!!!

2009-04-09T20:48:00.002+01:00

I got some money today and the first thing i did was donate some to poozie's donation page. Then i couldn't decide if i should buy the jacket i wanted or not. I didn't and eneded up on ebay buying things lol I bought 2 betty boop handbags. 1 weekend bag betty boop of course and a denim jacket and some phone charms and i am bidding on anothr denim jacket and some betty boop cushions lol naughty ebay oh i also bout some baseball boots cos i have wanted some for ages and was telling my dad and he was like i want some to so i got him a pair also lol obviously his aren't pink though hahaha! so yes i spent quite a bit on ebay but not as much as i thought i would have lol bargains on there. anyway i also got vicky a little get well teddy hopefully she'll receive it tuesday as it's a bank holiday weekend. my dvd came today so been watching that and eating cake lol i already had the dvd but this was the extended version it was sex and the city the movie. good film lol.

My ex bf told me this morning he wants to wait for me till after my transplant cos he can't move on cos he compares every girl to me. So erm yeah whateva he prob won't but there ya go lol i know him to well. i know he cares in his own weird way for me but i just don't see him waiting around cos i don't even know how long it's gonna take lol. anyways it's that time again nebs and physio well not in that order lol x

No more please!

2009-04-08T16:31:00.003+01:00

Suzy aka poozie on the cf forum passed away in her sleep the other night it was gutted when i heard the news. I knew she was in hospital and having iv's but i didn't realise how bad she was till her husband posted on the forum. She never let on how bad she was as this seemed to help her cope with everything. She is gonna be very much missed on the forum not just by me but by pretty much all the regular posters on there. RIP Suzy. I am gonna be donating to her just giving page tomoz when i get some money and i'm gonna send vicky who is having a rough time in hospital a little something aswell. I was gonna take a break from the forums but know that the people who have passed wouldn't want that they'd want us all to stay strong and keep fighting and helping eachother in anyway we can (mostly just chatting on here cos remember people! talking face to face is a big no nono) although it never used to be. anyway so yesterday was quite a sad day i didn't feel like doing alot so just cuddled up with my dog on the sofa and watched tv. I think he sensed i was upset. My mum rang me up aswell she worries wheneva someone passes away on the forum incase i was close to them which i guess i kinda was to poozie we always chatted bout dave and alfie and how similar they are so my mum guessed i'd be upset had a nice chat with her on the phone told her how unfair life and cf is at that point i think she was wellling up down the phone. So i reasurred her that i am going to be around for years to come and that her and my daddy don't have to worry about that. And she said i know you will babe i have a strong feeling your gonna get your new lungs this year. which is scary cos i have the same feeling also. And that's not me trying to make myself feel better but i really do i think cos i've been told i'm such a good common blood and tissue type that i feel i will get called pretty quickly.

Today has been another chilled day just relaxing and thinking about the future ahead of me and all the great things i'm going to do. i have my o2 off today as i am breathing really well without which is great but at some point that feeling will go again lol least it's giving my nose a nice rest poor thing is so sore from the nasel specks eeeek!
I was hoping my dvd would arrive today but it didn't so am hoping it comes tomoz. I must order my new jacket tomoz i'm treating myself as i am getting so fat lol i love it i looked in the mirror today and laughed cos i look like i have a tiny baby bump lol it was funny but amazing cos haven't been this fat or felt this good about myself for ages i hardly wear my baggy jogging bottoms when i go out anymore well saying that there no longer baggy on me lol there all tight hahaha! but i actually put on nice tops and nice trousers now whereas when i was really thin i wouldn't i'd hide under massive hoodies. but now i got something to flaunt lol. need to buy new bras tomoz aswell as the ladies are getting rather big also lol.

My dietician phoned me up today to check how things are going i said the feed s going well no problems at all doing it every night. I said i'm eating little and often instead of filling myself up to the point that i wanna burst which she said is a good idea. My mum and ian (her fiancee) are off work next week so i shall be spending sometime with them which will be nice me and my mum are going to go shopping might wait til then to get some new bras me thinks. And Ian is taking me clinic on thursday i'm excited cos i am wondering what my weight is now lol. anyway enough jabbering on from me lol oh by the way i have a new word that i keep calling my dog and cat giblet lol love it!

I want it eeeek!

2009-04-06T20:12:00.003+01:00

I know i shouldn't have but i did! I looked on the asda direct website and looke at the clothes i just thought i'd browse but stupid me i found a jacket that i must have i love it and want it. I am going to get it thursday hehe!

I have the sorest nose in the world today my o2 is really drying it out so everytime i blow my nose it's dry and hard ewwww! also getting nose bleeds.
Been reding the paper today it's full of stuff about Jade Goody and her funeral. Now don't get me wrong i feel so sorry for her and her family and her little boys. But i was actually rather offended about her being compared to princess diana. Diana was such an amazing lady who helped people across the world and stood up to the royals! Jade Goody was just someone from a tv show personally i couldn't stand her in big brother she done my head in. I would never wish what happened to her on anyone and again it's a shame she died at such a young age and left her 2 boys without a mother. And it is great that she has raised awareness for cervical cancer and to get tested. But she just doesn't compare to lady di simple as!

I upset my best mate yesterday i didn't mean to but i was so tired as hadn't slept much the night before. Her bf's 9 year old son said i hope you die to her she was upset obviously. But i said teel your bf about it apparently she did and he told his son to apologise. But she was still upset and said he talks to me like shit cos my bf does. I said why are you with him then? an she said cos she lov'es him. I then said but all you do is complain about him. i know sounds harsh but she does. anyway must go as it's time for a nice bath before i do physio and nebs!

I got the date!

2009-04-05T18:01:00.002+01:00

Friday I received a phone call from Harefield. They said they were very pleased with my weight an that they should book a date in the diary for assesement as all the dates were being taken up by other patients. so Mine is the 25th of May just gotta get to 50kgs but not far off now so not to worried. Just keep up the feeds and eat as much as i can that's the best i can do and also keep my chest clear which isn't easy lol.

The past week all i have done is sleep as my new tablets seem to like knocking me out lol. But i think there working well. I haven't really done much to be honest as been feeling very tired so just been eating and sleeping.

Jenson Button won the grand prix again this weekend yay i was so pleased. although the race had to be stopped as the rain was so bad but still he won so i don't care lol. I found it hard to sleep last night think i have slept to much over the past week lol so am abit grumpy today. My chest is a bit tight today though but i put that down to lack of sleep my chest always plays up if i don't get a decent amount of sleep. Fingers crossed i get a decent amount tonight lol.

ummmm!

2009-04-02T21:03:00.003+01:00

I called this blog ummmm cos i can't think of a title lol my brain isn't working to well at the moment lol. So tuesday i went to hospital to get checked over as was starting to feel really pants again! chest was tight and full of crap! and my appetite has gone which i'm really annoyed about as i'm 1 and abit kgs off my target weight! anyway. they gave me some new antibiotic to try that i have never had before it's called doxycyclone. i had to have a double dose the first time i had it and it made me wanna vomit lol it's a oral drug by the way. The docs didn't wanna stick me on iv's as it was only 20 days that i finished a dose so they were willing to look at other avenues as i was pretty keen to avoid iv's if possible so on this drug for a 2 week course i go back to clinic on the 16th and if my lung function hasn't changed then i will have iv's. My crp has jumped from below 2 to 22 now so somethings going on. my potassium was a tiny bit low aswell so am taking potassium tablets for that. my lung function is 0.6/1.27 so it is rather low it's normally in the 0.8's and 1.5's :( my weight is 48.3kgs which is fab but i'm so worried now cos my appetite is pants so i'm considering doing extra feeds during the day to keep my weight up. can't lose it. On a good note though my chest feels pretty good now i am taking mucodyne to loosen all the gunk and since i've been on o2 constantly my chest pain hasn't made a appearance although i'm occasionally getting the pain down my right arm but i'm not to bothered cos it ain't my chest lol. Been really happy recently cos i managed to find the first 2 episodes of the tudors season 3 online so watched them and they were brialliant just gotta keep my eyes peeled for episode 3 lol. Also got my huge betty boop statue today ready for when my bedroom is all done up. having it done betty style scarlet red with lot's of betty boop pics and a clock etc lol i got 2 duvet covers of betty boop aswell hehe! yes i'm betty mad :P

my betty pic above isn't she fab! i want another one aswell of her in a pink dress think my mum is going to get it for my birthday. 25 this year bloody hell how amazing is that. My mum wanted to get me a iphone but i don't like them there to big and heavy so betty will do me instead lol.

anyway it's physio and nebs time so must go and get on with that to keep my lungies well :) bye bye

give me the drugs!

2009-03-30T22:20:00.003+01:00

Am going to my hospital tomoz as my chest is being poo again and my appetite has dropped so means something is brewing! anyway started mucdyne today so hope that thins all the crap in my lungs! also gonna push for spiriva and spetrin as apparently these work really well. will update all tomoz am going to go start my feed now am having 500mls at the moment cos more then that and i wanna be sick stupid tummy! grrr! night all

anger management,shopping addictions & betty boop!

2009-03-28T16:49:00.002Z

Haven't wrote my blog for a few days as been feeling up and down alot and just trying to keep my head together! anyway Thursday my fave cf nurse did a home visit and we had a chat about how i am feeling etc and i said i was ok just fed up of being stuck indoors and not being able to do much. she told me i have to push myself which is true. I need to get my mucus moving in my lungs as it is stopping me from doing much it's being very nuaghty and thick! grrr! also spent loads of money on things on thursday i bought a betty boop duvet set a nice red one and and nice black one then bought lot's of betty boop posters to frame as my room is gonna be done up for me and i want it red and with lot's of betty boop stuff in it i love betty boop as you can tell lol. Been after a massive figurine of betty boop for ages and finally found some on ebay they were 3ft tall but were 200 quid which is out of my price range lol then i saw one of her dressed in a devils outfit and it was 79 quid and 2ft high i was so excited i so wanted it my mum then got it for me and i am paying her back for it as it is perfect and so wat i wanted i love my mummy. Then i told my dad about it and he handed me the cash to pay my mum back i kept saying no but he was having none of it so i took it my parents are fab! My dad has been really helpful he sets my feed up at night for me and cooks my dinner for me all this will be repayed when i can finally do more when this awful stuff has thinned down am getting tablets to help with that. Jenson button is on pole for the first gp of the year i am so excited i have been a fan ever since he came into f1 in 2000 even met him in 2003 hehe! but even through his bad career times in the sport i always stayed a fan :) now is his time to finally shine and prove those horrible critics wrong :).

My final thought is for lewis off the CF forum he passed away after catching pneumonia. :( Breath easy lewis RIP! x

let's all live in bubbles!!!

2009-03-24T12:15:00.003Z

I'm so fedup with the parent side of the cf forum! always people being so overprotective of there children catching psdeumonas when realy there gonna get it no matter what they do. shit happens!!! and i hate that some parents twist everything you say on there it's like SHUT UP!!!! god listen to the people who have grown up with it we are offering our opinion and your being rude and twisting our words! argh! i give up offering advice to them i really do stuff it! you ain't gona listen then i ain't gonna give any!

have a really bad pain in my lungs been there for a few days now it's round the back on the right and left sides done physio doesn't help done hypertonic saline again doesn't help! nothing shifts it argh! am on my o2 pretty much constantly now cos feel like i can't breath without it might just be whateva is causing my pain is causing this to. i'm also trying to tidy my room up it's such a nigtmare it's taken me days to do it as i have to do it bit by bit. got the oxygen people coming round tomoz as they have given me the wrong concentrator i can't use this one around the hose which is rubbish. and thursday got a home visit from the nurses. anyway i'm gonna go have a lydown before gettiing started on my room again byeeeeeeeeeeee!

sunshine,lollipops and rainbows!

2009-03-20T11:58:00.002Z

Only me! lol Haven't done my blog for a few days as just been tired. I still am tired today stupid Jo trying to do to much! I tidied my room well the best i could i throw out loads of clothes that I've never worn and never will and i put all my other clothes away. after that i was so tired and am suffering for it a few days on lol. Wednesday my brother took me over to the shops yes can you believe it he actually got off his bum and wheeled me over there lol. it was nice though as we don't really spend a lot of time together and that was a nice way of doing it. Wednesday night my chest was really bad though i struggled to breath even with my o2 on. I think it was all cos i was so tired and drained. My hospital has told me to get dressed everyday and do my makeup as this will probably make my moods a lot better. but it's actually becoming to much lol everyday is to much so today am having a duvet day. messy hair no makeup and my pj's lol. Had clinic yesterday. Knew they'd want a sputum sample so i got a cough swap thingy and did one of them myself. then my dad made me laugh and i coughed and bit of gunk came up so got him to pass me a sputum pot lol so they had both a cough swab and a sputum sample. i done my own lung function as well as i was bored waiting for the docs lol it was rubbish though but my lungs feel pretty pants at the moment again i am putting it down to tiredness.
The dietitian came in and we talked about my feed and decided that i should have the full 1000m ls which i was happy with. and that i can also try having calogen after meals for a few extra calories. so all was good and my weight is at 47.7kgs so i am pleased. as soon as it hits 49 area they'll get on to harefield and harefield have said they'll arrange an appointment yay! new lungs i sense could be this year :)
still getting this shoulder pain though grrrrr! no one knows what it is it's a mystery! was given oramorph for it but so far all this stuff has done is make me wanna go to sleep lol. Hospital was pleased that i am using o2 overnight as well. and also that i have portables. but they were concerned about me sleeping downstairs on the sofa they said i should sleep in my bed but i explained that the stairs are to much to keep doing and that i am better downstairs cos that way i only have to do them twice a day. but hopefully soon I'll have a stairs lift can't wait lol and my dad is going to be doing my room up anyway i want it red with Betty Boop pictures and Betty boop duvet lol. Dave is going to the vets next week for his nails to be cut and for his jabs I'm so nervous for him lol i think they'll say his obese but they can get stuffed cos he is a perfectly healthy happy dog. and he isn't over fed. also my dad said he will take me out and that we can go for a walk round the lake with Dave i can hold Dave's lead whilst in the wheelchair i laughed and said knowing Dave when he can't be bothered to walk anymore he'll jump on my lap hahahaha! will have to take some pics of this adventure. I got all upset last night cos more feed stuff had been delivered and there are boxes everywhere full of feed stuff and all my o2 cylinders about and i just cried cos the house is a mess cos of all my stuff. My dad said it's annoying more then anything not the right thing to say to make me feel better lol but i don't think he knew what to say. But he then said he is gonna sort it all out next week when he is off work. maybe even get some wall cabinets for it all. anyway i am gonna go sit on my bum an do nothing lol bye bye xxx

I can't get my bum in them......

2009-03-15T19:10:00.002Z

hahahaha as the title says i bought 3 pairs of jeans from Goerge at asda now let me explain a while back i bought a size 8 pair but they were huge and like clown trousers so i have guessed that the trousers come up really big so i bought 2 size 4 pairs and a size 6 anyway. Yesterday i Got into one pair of size 4's and they fitted okish but i couldn't do the bottom up hahaha so i shall sort that by adjusting the waist line i'm clever at things like this :P. and today i tried the other size 4 pair on and i couldn't get them over my bum hahahahaha i couldn't stop laughing. so i then popped my size 6's on and they are fab there tight but not to tight and there very long aswell which i lurve hehe. I've been eating really well since i got home and also had a 900ml feed last night and it went through no probs tuesday i shall be upping it to 1000mls eeek! lol anyway that's all for now gonna go have a hot bubble bath and then do physio and nebs xxx

i see it happening now!

2009-03-13T16:04:00.002Z

I am so overwhelmed and have even shed a little tear which has given me a bit of panda eye lol.
My weight has gone from 44.8kgs to 46.4kgs and now today it is at 47.7kgs i didn't believe it and i don't think the cf nurse did either we went to get another set of scales but they didn't work so we have just taken it that that's what it is. and anyway the scales are all calibrated so they have to be accurate. I am in total shock i never saw me getting here 10days ago if i am honest i thought i was slipping away i was so weak my feed wasn't going through due to me feeling sick and i had stopped eating cos of my chest. But now after being in i now have a crp below 2 hasn't been that for ages. but here i am everyone even mentions how fatter i am looking. oh god i can't stop smiling. and i'm going home today so i have to be very strict with myself and keep up the eating. the feed i know now will be no problem as my tummy tolerates the perative really well even had 800mls last night biggest feed so far :) anyway gotta go finish packing xxx

HOSPITAL......argh!

2009-03-09T21:37:00.001Z

So here I am in hospital boo! lol but i needed to come in. I came in last Tuesday 3rd of march 09.I was feeling really ill i had stopped eating and couldn't really move without getting that shoulder pain i get.So am now in room 13 eeek! and now have just realised i shall be in here on friday the 13th lol. anyway my crp was only 13 which i was shocked about as i felt so ill so thought it'd be higher but nope only 13 hmmm something about that number lol. My feeds are now going loads better had all my feed stuff changed am on some new stuff which my tummy seems to likand also been eating really well which is fab think the megace is working again. Got a nice goodie bag from Jess off the cf forum on thrusday which was lovely of her :) thanks again hun. Friday me and my fave nurse went into town to get me out and abouti got some magazines. my patientline tv sucks it kept messing up last week i was not impressed it went down for 13 hours at one point so rang up and complained got 13 hours creditted to my account :D. my venflon is still in and going well be a week tomoz yay hope it stays working. received a lovely gift from my aunt val today it's a cute teddy and a lovely box of chocolates. dunno what else to write reallyexcept i am looking forward to going home next week but am not in a rush as wanna make sure i'm doing good andam happy with everything. seeing the phscologist thrusday for a chat. As i have taken myself of my anti depressants hey weren't helping and i had become very aggressive and angry i hate getting like this and want a way of controlling it.
anyway my lovelys i'm off to cough up some gunk wohooo! lol bye bye xx

why do i bother?

2009-02-28T20:35:00.002Z

Had a lovely time at my mum's this past week. But i came home to find my yogurt drink gone well one of them big yop ones they were. Then i checked the cupboards for my raviolli and spagethetti hoops and found them all gone even my carabonara sauce had gone i was not happy and the fact i have no money is annoying i bought myself some new pj's and other bits and bobs thinking that my food would all still be there but no argh! He has also eaten all the chicken nuggets there was 5 packs in the freezer my dad was fuming. then I came on to my laptop t find the battery totally flat and my sweets on my comp desk eaten i again am fuming. the boy has no god dam respect! He don't work cos he's to lazy just sits on his fat arse all day playing his comp. dunno what his problem is. he owes me 40 pound anyway for a game i got for him on my card last month grrrrr! i don't expect to see that. he is just useless does no housework or nothing just eats sleeps and plays his comp fed up with it he neds to grow the hell up he is 26 not 5. so yeah anyway just had to do a asda shop online with whateva money i had left so now am skint for 2 weeks great! sorry to moan just hate coming home to this all the time. if he put his hand in his pocket and paid rent or any money then fine but he don't.

sorry no can do...

2009-02-26T20:50:00.002Z

So let's talk ex boyfriends lol mine has been in contact with me again and guess what he did this whole we should be together rubbish and that wait for it.... he wants to settle down with me well the history with my ex is as follows.

we met new years eve 2005/06 in a night club he was chatting to my mate trying to set his mate up with her and i went over thinking he was bugging her lol and did my your in my seat bit lol (he was) anyway he got up and i sat down then he started talking to me asking if i would get my mate to chat to his mate i said well get your mate to come over then. So he did they chatted and then i started chatting to him he asked me to get up and dance but it was drum and bass music which ain't my cup of tea lol. so i said nah my feet hurt so he danced and i just laughed he danced so badly anyway i stood up and started chatting to him and commented on his rings he had on he took one off and let me try it on and this is the sad part i put it on my wedding finger and said o look now were married lol i was drunk! anyway he found it funny lol i said i was keeping it and he was like nooo and i said yes mine and stuck it down my top now back in those days i was a tease and said if you want it come and get it he didn't though think he knew i'd of slapped him lol. i gave it back in the end then we sat down and chatted and i said aren't you going to ask for my number then. He was like what ya gonna let me have it i said yeah of course so we swapped numbers. Then my mate said she was going toilets so i went with her. on the way back someone grabbed my hand and it was the guy i had spoke to i just turned and smiled and carried on back to my seat. the music was still pants so me and my mate decided to leave and at the same time the guy and his mate had aswell. we were waiting for our lift home when my phone started ringing so i answered it and it was the guy he said you never gave me a kiss lol i said i never kiss when i first meet someone (lies lol) anyway he said come here and i said where are ya he was down the road and i said nah i'm going home now our lift had turned up. So home i went.
he text me til 5am that morning.

He text me again the next day and we decided to meet up so he joined me and my mates for a walk at the woods but i said it was to cold and we went and sat in his car and chatted and we had our first kiss. from then on we were a couple till i got cold feet 2 weeks later.

Then i got back with him a week after we split then i got cold feet again lol. Then he was like who was the guy running after you up the cinema valentines day. I was like oh that was my mate rob and if you looked properly there was a big group of us not just me and him.

anyway i didn't speak to him for a few months and then realised i had missed him loads so i text him and asked how he was. he didn't reply so thought he had chnaged his number.
the next day he replied saying is this Jo if it is please text back. So i did and we agreed to meet up that evening we went and sat by a lake and chatted i told him what had been going on aka my mum leaving etc. and he was nice about it i told him i'd missed him and he said the same then we had a nice cuddle. he seemed abit put out cos some rowers kept whislting at me cos i had my tiny denim shorts on well it was bloody hot lol. anyway we decided to try again.
we stayed together for a month this time then one night he picked me up from a night out and i was very very drunk lol and we had a argument yes i started it but he didn't exactly help.
he ignored me for 3 days after that when he did reply he said he had dropped his phone down the toilet???

we ended it again. for the next year and a half it was on and off he kept dumping me. and me being vulnerable i kept going back. anyway after this he turned and said i want us to live togther so me being me and madly in love with him i said yes. and i started looking for houses. Then one day i got a email saying he'd joined facebook and so i looked at his profile and it said he was in a relationship and there was a message from a girl on there saying smile babes xxxxxxxx. my heart just dropped!!! I text him and said tell me it's not true he said his brother had set it up and made a mistake and that he was still single. then i found out from my then best friend he was living with his brother and the girl who he said wasn't his gf but she was. i wanted to scream again betrayed.

after that i saw never to go back but i did when he finally split with the girl cos she apparently followed him round like a lost puppy dog lol. I decided to work my charm and see if i could still get my way with him and yes it worked. so again we have been on and off on and off. Then november he moved nearer to where i live and where my mum lives he is pretty much round the corner anyway. so we tried one last time and he refused to say he loved me so i said nah this is bullshit. he would just be a twat the next day. and he did exactly that.

Then monday just gone he said he wanted us to settle down together and i said i am so unsure why me and why now? why not before? and then i said could you be the man i need right now? someone who will be patient and understand that i am ill most of the time and can't do normal things. And that he can't just leave when everything is going wrong with my health. and that i need stabilty. He said he could be all these things but i don't think he can. so it's been on my mind the past few days me thinking should i shouldn't i. And today i made my decision I can't put myself through any of that again. If it never worked all those times before then it won't work now. I have broken that spell and don't feel the way i did towards him anymore. I've in a way grown up my health is my number priority right now. And men will always be there after my transplant. I just refuse to put myself through anymore hurt and pain and being let down. cos i know he will time and time again he will never change. But i have. So sorry no can do!

Anyway other then that not much to report my mum dyed my hair yesterday and today just been relaxing my cold is clearing now just need to get as much gunk of my chest as i can bought loads of vitamins today. not doing a feed tonight think the ensure stuff makes me feel sick. maybe i have a intolerance to it. will speak to my dietician. I think i'm struggling with my weight again cos all the pressure has been put back on my shoulders which isn't good cos it's constantly on my mind argh!!!! my mum has the hump cos i'm not doing a feed but i am full up so doing a feed is just going to make me wanna feel sick.

Feeds= headache lol

2009-02-25T13:27:00.002Z

Yes i am having great fun with my feeds .....NOT! so have decided no more big feeds for me just gonna have the small one every now and then although Victoria made a very good suggestion on the cf forum. about having a little feed in the afternoon and a little one before bed i like this idea :)

My mum is not happy that I'm lowering my feed but as i said to her right now a big feed is doing more harm then good i am feeling sick from the amount and therefore not eating anything which is very very very bad. So instead of giving up all together which last night i was seriously considering but then decided no i shall try small feeds i mean one carton has 400 calories in it so that's better then nothing really i'd say. maybe if it goes well i'll have 3 small feeds a day then that way that's what...........1200 calories plus whateva i eat on top of that so again better then not having any feeds. My dad is happy for me to try this. I think my mum is just worried cos she really wants me on the tx list bless her i want it to but can't rush the weight on. Just need to relax and take each day as it comes. :) at least the hard part is down and the peg is in. and now that it is pain free wohooo even better lol. Just been told not to play with it or i'll get it infected yes i like to play with it lol your supposed to rotate it once a day but me being well me lol i like to do it twice which i've been told not to do or i'll make it sore i like the sensation of it going round hahaha. yesterday when i rotated it ian my mum's fiancee played dead or alive you spin me right round it was hilarious lol.

well my lovely mummy bout me some perfect 10 hair dye yesterday as her work were selling it off for a pound a box result so she got me 2 boxes she's gonna do one for me sometime this week :) going down the tip later as it's away of getting out the house lol anyway gonna chat to my mummy and have a cup of tea :) xx

So this is me...

2009-02-23T13:34:00.002Z

OK OK I admit it I am hard work i get the hump at the smallest things and i hate CF but then again who doesn't. But I have been doing alot of thinking over the weekend. And wait for it....
I have decided to change and be a new me Yes that's right a new me!!!
It won't be easy and i know i'm going to keep having good and bad days but i just need to try and deal with it all in a better way then i have done in the past.

I'm not the person i used to be the happy go lucky girl that had no cares in the world like i was a good 3 years a go and i always apologised to myself for that and then last night i thought why do i apologise for it? I shouldn't i have changed that's life that's what happens you never stay the same forever! so yes it hit me last night i have chnaged i am still me but different to the me before. My health and family come first in my life now and that's something i have always put second i know they say put your self first but mine was always in selfish ways not in the good ways it should of been so as of today i shall put family and health first. :) and i will look back at my past and smile and laugh at the stupid and pretty amazing things i did. But i now look to my future and what that holds who knows I strongly believe it holds some new lungs lol and so does my mummy!

But i promise to all those i love and care about that i am changing and i am becoming stronger and more determined to survive and not let CF beat me. It won't win and it won't make me a nasty person that's hard to live with which it started to do lol :)

anyway feeds are being a bit blah at the moment finding them hard but just had a thought. If i do big feeds everyother night and then the night i don't do big feeds i do a small one so that at least that way i'm still getting something. instead of making myself feel sick blergh!
Still suffering with my cold and now my poor dad appears to have a tummy bug eeek! bless him he is so sweet he is trying to keep away from me i did explain that if i am gonna get it i'll get it cos we live in the same house but hopefully should be going to my mum's tomoz might help me not catch it. bless him he's all tucked up in bed now with the dog and cat nursing him lol. well Dave won't nurse him he will just annoy him by trying to play with a toy.

done the funnist thing to my mum on facebook today she hates the man from the safe style adverts the buy one get one free so i put a pic up and tagged her in it of him haahahaha! think i mght be disowned eeek! anyway my lovelys i am off to get some lemsip mmm!

it's all gone to the lungs!

2009-02-21T20:50:00.002Z

As the title says my cold has left and now is sitting on my lungs argh! I am really struggling to breath today done physio and hypertonice saline and nope not worked done colomycin aswell but this hasn't helped neither have my inhalers! pretty peed off :( didn't need this. having O2 at the mo nearly run out though as i have been given leaky caninsters how stupid is that? and i cant get anymore till monday grrr! so am nearly out of o2 great the only thing that is helping a little bit. stupid cold stupid lungs blah!

on a good note i had a big feed last nght had 800mls and it went fine also had lunch and some dinner so eating pretty ok. anyway i must go laydown and sulk some more as these lungs just are annoying also keep getting that sholuder pain again argh! so am not having a great time poo!

thinking

2009-02-20T20:55:00.003Z

Wel been in bed all day cos of this cold and did some feed. But cos i've had time to think i was thinking bout something my mum said yesterday. she told me to take each day as it comes so i'm gonna do that. gonna just relax and take it as it comes and however long it takes to gain weight i will get there in the end though i know that :) anyway need to go have my physio and nebs now :)

clinic, and colds boo!

2009-02-19T16:17:00.002Z

Well last nights sleep was awful i struggled to fall asleep as kept coughing and having to blow my nose as it was like a tap running GRRR! Then cos of all the coughing i started to feel sick from my feed so stopped it for a little while then started it again and eveuntually fell asleep. I woke up at about half 7 cos my cat was meowing to get into my dad's room he does this every time argh! then my dad came down and was sorting himself out for work then my brother came down and decided to be really noisy. I wasn't impressed as felt like hell when i woke up. had clinic today was bit nervous as they wanted to turn my peg and i thought it would hurt.
My lf is down a tiny bit and so is my weight i got a bit upset but was told not to worry as the peg is going to take time. Plus this cold isn't helping. they cleaned my peg (piglet) and then tunred it i did't feel anything. but can now have a nice deep bath yay. anyways i am going to finish my lemsip off and hopefully it will help shift this stupid cold xx

peg name change..

2009-02-13T16:55:00.002Z

Well have been doing loads of thinking and thought my peg should be named after something that will remind me of toria as she always went on at me to get one and said how great they are. Even though i refused lol. But when the time came for me to make the decision i feel like she was pushing me to go for it so i did. You knw when you can hear someone talking to you someone who's passed away yes sounds so weird but i have had many experiences like this. anyway i have decided to call it Piglet as it was one of the last things she wrote on her blog and she said a peg would make me a piglet lol. so the peg is piglet :).

It would of been toria's 24th birthday today hope whereever she is she is celebrating with her sexy shoes on hehe. It's very sad though as i know with all the snow we've had she would of had such a ball with edward tedward playing in it. miss you toria. x

I went watford today with my mum's bf as he needed to collect a new thing for his car. he went in pub with the guy and his missus i wanted to stay in the car as the place looked really posh and snobby ans guess what it was haha they weren't in the pub long hahaha! one of those places were you feel out of place apparently.
Then went asda to get some pizzas that they make fresh mmmm! and then got some hair dye wooo!

Piglet was a bit crusty when i woke up so gave it a good old clean. i like to clean it twice a day hehe. my feed last night didn't go so well as after just 2 hours i vomitted :( turns out it was cos i ate a big mac and apple 2 hours before feed was due whoops! so now am having big meal at lunch time and little meal at dinner. also ordered myself some more clothes lol well think i deserve it for being good and staying in hospital for a week without complaing about going home lol. :D

they say never look back

2009-02-11T15:24:00.002Z

But i can't help it. My friends have all dissapeared. I am alone pretty much everyday my dad works and my lazy arse brother sleeps all day. my mum works nights so is asleep in the day i am really hating life right now. they always say there's someone worse off then you but right now doesn't feel like it. Songs that i used to dance to keep comig on and it really upsets me cos i think about when i used to go out clubbing all the time and now i hardly leave the house cos of these stupid lungs. I can't walk round anywhere anymore just feel useless. So much needs to be done in the house i need to sort all my comp desk out as it's just full of crap and i have loads of washing to do but can't go and get it cos just feel tired all the time. i dunno anymore I sort of wish i was back in hopsital cos i got help like even tho the food was shite it was cooke for me and i didn't have to worry bout fannying around cooking but now i'm back home i have all that to worry about again. I haven't eaten anything today cos i'm so exhausted and just don't wanna move and i can't rely just on my night feeds either. ARGH! why is life so unfair i can't stop crying. my phone hardly ever bleeps anymore the only people that text me are my family :(

Babs

2009-02-10T15:34:00.003Z

So am finally out of hospital was there for a week eeeek! I also have my peg in now which i have named Babs lol It is still quite painful it hurts to sneeze and cough and blow my nose but feeding wise it's good. I had my biggest feed last night which was good finished dead on 8 this morning. When i was in hopsital again i had fight for a room on the chest ward really getting annoyed at doing this now. but i got one in the end cos i said i won't stay in if i don't have my own room and bathroom this may sound divaish but i was always told cf's get there own rooms with bathrooms to stop them getting more infections etc! But now it seems that has chnaged. although when you go cf clinic your shoved into your own room or when you go to the treatment centre your put in a side room so it don't make sense. they wanted me on a ward with loads of other chest patients which ment quite a walk to the bathroom which again annoyed me i was struggling to breath let alone walk to the bathroom.

After my op i felt very crap as they had for some reason upped my oxygen to 10 litres Jesus my sats were at 98% and i had a awful headache they kept saying it was the anastetic but it has never affected me like that so knew it was the oxygen i asked them to turn it down and after a while my headache started to fade thank god flet like my head was going to explode! I went back to my room and my mum and dad were waiting i was so hungry as hadn't eaten all day and it was about 6pm so thought o great food but then was told i couldn't eat for another 6 hours! i was gutted.

I also saw alan rickman the actor when i was waiting for my op he was visting a relative.

anyway sorry for short blog but my mum is moaning as she wants to dry my hair lol

MK hospital = hell!

2009-01-31T14:38:00.002Z

So i've been having my tummy problems still and nothing the docs have given me has worked so last night i was in tears as i was so uncomfortable and couldn't laydown to sleep. I rang my hospital in oxford but the doc wasn't around. then i rang nhs direct for advice the lady told me to go down to the mk docs walk in centre for a doc to see me it was about 4am at this point. So off i went my mum's bf was great and took me down there. we waited bout 20 mins to be seen then the doc asked me the normal questions whats wrong? are you preganant erm no lol! anyway he felt my tummy and i wanted to kick him it hurt so much. he thought it was either gall stones or a ulcer. he wanted to give me some strong anti acids but i was bit wary bout this as he hadn' aksed what meds i was on. He then said i had to go to the main hospital cos he isn't sure what Cf really is. So went main hospital and they tried to put me on a ward with old sick people that looked like they had chest problems so of course i got a bit nervous about infection. so i said i can't be next to other chest patients cos of my cf and risk of infection. and they were a bit miffed and said ok wait in the waiting room. i waited 10 mins and went home cos i was scared i got back to my mum's bout half 5ish and had a drink and relaxed. Got my peg op wednesday and gotta go up hospital fr mid iv checkup.

i might blow away!

2009-01-29T17:26:00.002Z

I am so full of wind argh! My doc thinks i am not digesting food quick enough so my body is holding on to it causing air to build up and push on diafram not nice! and very painful. The other night i coudln't sleep as i couldn't lay down and the only way to stop the pain was to hunch forward. not very comfy. I eventually fell asleep from being so tired. I rang the hospital they were concerened and wanted me to go up but i couldn't get there so went to my GP instead he had a feel of my tummy and it bloody hurt like hell. been given a tablet to help food move quicker through my body. hope it works cause this is just awful and i can't eat whilst like this as it just makes it even worse if i do. need to keep my weight on but it's hard :( Bloody Cf.

I have been very down the past few days as finding it all very hard to cope with one thing after another. it's to much to take at times. But must keep going. I think of toria at times like this as she'd be such a comfort to me she always knew what to say. Miss her loads. xx

first iv's of 2009!

2009-01-27T12:27:00.003Z

Went back to hopsital yesterday to be checked over and see if the tobi nebs had worked but they hadn't so i said i think iv's are needed. My crp tho had gone from 33 down to 24 so that is good but there is still something brewing as i feel very breathless and frail. always a sign of infection. my appetite has nose dived in with the megace again sign of infection.
I didn't want a picc line in as my arm is still very bruised from the last attempt so i have a venflon in my hand. Hopefully will have my peg date soon aswell as want to get it over and done with. I'm still getting my right shouder pain which really is upsetting me they keep telling me to take pain killers but it's not working. :( sorry i haven't written much am feeling very pants at the mo first few days of iv's are always rough it's alot for the body to take in. am gonna go drink some juice and watch some tv before my next lot of iv's at 1 bye for now xx

Anger,and a nightmare time!

2009-01-24T16:33:00.002Z

Has been a few days since i last wrote all been a very hard and stressful time for me at the moment so just needed to gather my thoughts and calm myself down. Tuesday i didn't stay in as there was no bed i already put this in my previous blog. Anyway Tuesday night i had gone home with my NG tube in and i moaned about it all the time as i just could not adjust to the sensation of it in the back of my throat. I then tried eating something and it just felt awful going down as it kept tugging on the line. So anyway i settled my self down to go to sleep and i started coughing rather alot and the line kept hitting the back of my throat next thing i know i had been sick and the line was hanging out my mouth so i had no choice but to pull it out. I was very upset as i knew the hospital would think i had pulled it out on purpose. My brother was really sweet and came and cleaned all my sick up and chnaged my bedding and got me some more pj's i hadn't eaten alot but man there was so much puke! sorry i was just shocked at the amount there lol.
My dad came down to see what was going on and i was in tears cos of what the hopsital would say and he was sweet and calmed me down saying it wasn't your fault and they'll just have to deal with that.

So next day which was wednesday i was dreading going back to hospital. my mum and her fiancee took me. We went to the treatment centre and i was popped into one of the siderooms. after about 10mins one of the nurses walked past and said Jo you didn't meaning i had pulled my tube out oh what a surprise so i just calmly explained what had happened. Then again and again people kept presuming i had pulled it out myself so at this point i was pretty down and frustrated. Then the disscusion of having it put in again came up and i said no i've tried it and i couldn't adjust so no it's not happening again. But everyone kept going on and on and on my mum kept saying if you don't your gonna die cos they won't give you a tarnsplant. Then her fiancee said have you lost the will to live cos it sure seems like it the way your going. Then one of the nurses said do you not want a transplant then? OH MY god just cos i said bloody no to this F-ing tube does not mean i wanna die or that i'm going to or that i don't want a transplant! I am alive and kicking and am going to remain that way for a bloody long time. At this point i was on the phone to my dad crying my eyes out about it all. He said if you don't want it it's your choice your the adult no one can force anything on you. Then my mum and her fiancee came back and i just went mental and lost it they were just going on and on saying it's such a small thing to have done but to me it was not smal it was scary and i found throwing it up very traumatic now that may sound stupid but it really was that bad for me as i was very against the ng anyway but gave it a go to please everyone not that it worked. So my mum and her fiancee went and got all my stuff out the car and dumped it in the room with me and i kept saying bye then. Again i rang my dad he was really angry and kept saying i'm gonna come get you but i told him not to. Then one of the nurses came in and said i was hardwork and that everything always had to be about me and that my mother was just caring about me. I then turned to her and said she doesn't know what the realtionship between me and my mum is like and then she started going off on one and pointing her finger in my face so i said i don't have to listen to this FUCK OFF! She then lft the room. I may have been out of order but i had just lost it and felt so out of control from everyone going on at me and saying the same thing over and over again i really just couldn't take anymore.

My fave nurse who i can acatually talk to came in and calmed me down and we had a chat and i brought up the peg thing it had already been mentioned but i was not in the right frame of mind to hear about it. So anyway we chatted and i said if it's done under a general i'l have it.

Le me explain how my mind works. If people go on and on and on at me about this and that then i swicth off and won't do it. But if people all back off and leave me to think things over myself then i am more likely to co-operate. which i did.

So after our chat the picc line lady came in ready to insert a new one as they wanted me to have some iv's she got all setup and my fave nurse stayed with me. the local was put in didn't flinch as it didn't really hurt then she started pushing the line in but it kept getting stuck and then it hurt when it hit the edge of the vain! ouch! Then i started feeling very light headed and burning up so the nurse had to go get a fan and some water. The piccline lady kept talking to me saying are you ok? are you going to throw up? Then she said i'm just going to inject some more local into your arm! I was like no wait not a good idea right now then she kept going on and on are you ok blah are you going to faint. You know when you feel faint you just want every one and everything to shut up so that you can calm yourself down and concenrate on staying conscious well i am like that anyway. it's like when you wanna be sick and someone rubs your back i fidn that makes it worse! I may just be weird though lol. so anyway i then said please i can't talk right now just give me a minute and shhhh! After about 2 mins i finally managed to get it to pass and i started to feel ok again. I apologised to the picc line lady and explained i find it more helpful if people don't talk to me when i get like that she understood which was cool. she then looked for the vain and it had gone whoops! so she said i don't think we should try again as your vains have all vanished we can try again tomoz. I dunno why i nearly passed out as i wasn't scared or nervous about having the line put in. But when i had my first piccline done i went exactly the same could it have been a reaction to the local? hmmm! So after that i was taken to the ward and put in a sideroom as i won't stay in without my own room and bathroom to scared of catching stuff on a ward. plus i was always told cf's get priority over the rooms. So i settled in and chilled out. i had a venflon put in my hand no probs not painful in my hands lol. then they hooked me up to a drip so i could have some fluids that had some potassium in it. i was like what if i need to go for a wee how am i going to move as it was plugged into the wall. they were like just call us and we'll disconnect it. I thought well that's abit annoying for them and me as they'd then have to come back and re attach me so i worked it all out myself in the end it's not hard really just push the hold button and clamp the hand thing off and unscrew and your free lol. so i thought this way was much better saves them having to keep running in and out and i know if there really busy it'd take them ages to come do it. The machine was a pain in the bum tho as it kept bleeping everytime i moved my hand lol it didn't like the hand being moved. I came to a compromise with one of the nurse's to try tobi through the neb instead of iv's they were happy with this but were worried as my brp had gone from 15-33 in a week so something was brewing in my lungs. I slept pretty well that night until the machine started alarming cos it had finshed so unhooked myself and off to sleep again lol. Thursday was full of confusion i was being told that i could have a peg under general but my lungs have to be better then i was told iv's were starting today and then i was told i would be in over the weekend i was like huh what?
So i rang the nurse up and she said no no friday your going home and iv's were holding off on and i'm gonna arrange your peg date i was oh cool can you please tell that to the docs lol. and then a nurse came in with some sedation for me to take she was like the picc line lady is here ready for you. I was like oh jesus not again. so back on the phone to my nurse i was like erm picc lady is here eeek! can i not just have venflons if i need iv's please i'm scared of the piccline lady lol. she said yeah no problem. so i was happy and the piccline lady said ok Jo no worries. so all was good. My mum posted a topic on the cf forum for me as it was costing a fortune to use my phone. It was about pegs and local and general sedation. most people had had theres done under local with some sedation and remembered nothing about it so i was kinda like oh ok hmmm interesting so i gave the nod for it to be done under local with sedation as everyone was concerened about a general being to risky. so should be getting it done soon. Also had to have some test done cos of my cortersol levels have dropped really low and it could be a cause of the megace. :(. i also found out how the other girl who was put on megace was doing it turns out it was making her hair fallout! so they took her off it she is due to have a peg to.
My dad came to see me he had just sat down when one of the cf nurses came in and said oh it's just aswell your dad is here you could be being let out today. i was like really? i was all prepared for another night lol even had my pj's out ready for bed hahaha! So the doc said i could leave so me and my dad packed my stuff and off i went YAY! i got home and relaxed it felt weird being home tho always does after hospital lol my cat wouldn't come near me.
I slept pretty well again that night.

Friday my dad had booked a few days off work to chillout with me. i rang the hospital up to get the results of the test that was to do with cortersol levels and they had come back out of the normal range so they might have to either re test monday or stop the megace. :( i'm sad about it as it really is helping me eat. but it maybe causing damage to my liver :( so unfair! i just slept most of yesterday. I watched the big brother final and was shocked at who won ULRIKA!!!! who the hell vted for her! i wanted verne to win :( he finished 4th.
Today again i have spent my time relaxing and taking it easy i really feel like the tobi is wokring for me as i am so dry and ardly coughing. oh the docs also looked into my shoulder pain and it's something to do with mucus plugging and killing cells in that area so the pain is not treatablt and i just have to keep taking strong painkillers great :( so wheelchair it is for when i go out anywhere then great! Got my grandparents coming over tomoz haven't seen them for a few years. back to hospital monday will update you all about it then. bye bye

good day for obama and americian! pants day for me!

2009-01-20T20:23:00.002Z

Where do i begin? I had a terrible nights sleep as was so worried about geting this NG tube put in. So when i had to get up and pack my things to go into hospital i just couldn't pick the energy to do it so rang my mum to come help me. she sorted everything for me and i got dressed but couldn't be bothered to put makeup on as i felt so pants!

We setoff for the hospital about 12ish and got there about quarter past 1. When i got there i had to go treatment centre as there wasn't a bed free on the ward. I thought they had one waiting for me! So it get's to half 2 and still nothing then the nurses come in to do my NG tube and i was like but what if there isn't a bed? and they said then we'll just pull it out. So i let the nurse do it and she tried 5 times and it just wasn't happening as i kept gagging and coughing it was awful. I said no i don't want it now. They left the room to give me a breather and went to ask one of the other cf nurses to have a go. I kept saying to my mum and ian i ain't having it now i can't handle anymore attempts. then the nurse came back asking if i would try putting it in myself i was like no way! so then the other nurse had a go and she got it down first time which is just aswell cos i said she could have 3 goes and if she don't get it then i ain't trying anymore. So it is in and i am hating it it feels so uncomfortable it's hurtin my throat and my nose argh!! Anyway they still hadn't got me a bed and by about half 3 they were saying there was a bed free on the infectious disease ward which is all side rooms i was like erm no i ain't going there. chst ward side room or i am out of here. I got really upset as i didn't think i'd be sitting around waiting for 5 hours i was tired and angry and just couldn't take much more. by 5 there was no bed free anywhere so was told to go home and come back tomoz morning i am going to have a new picc line put in as well. I have to admit i really shouted my head off today i was so angry about being messed about. I was nervous as it was about this ng tube and really didn't need all this hassle with it.

Obama was sworn in as americian president today big day as he is the first black president. I kinda thought someone would try and assacinate him or bush today as there was so many people in washington i know that sounds mean but bush ain't very popular. and there's bound to be racist out there annoyed that there is a black president. Hopefully he'll do great things for his country I am just gonna wait and see before making a opinion on anything. Shame we can't get a new PM here gordon brown is rubbish we need someone who actually cares about what te people want and need whereas i don't think he cares. anyway gonna try and eat something now as am feeling hungry prob won't update til am out of hospital which hopefully will be friday. so bye for now

update

2009-01-16T17:17:00.002Z

I rang my clinic again today as i wanted my blood results and to put across my concerns about my weight and having to wait 6 weeks for ng feeding. So anyway my nurse said that she is gonna ring me next week and sort it all out as i will need to go in for a few days. which i kinda expected anyway. My crp is 15 which is good it is up a bit but not by much so ivs weren't needed i think my lungs are trying to grow something tho but i shall not let them lol. my potassium is low so have to have some tablets for that. Also my cortersol is low which can be a side affect of megace as i am now on 3 tablets a day which is 420mg so they will let me know what needs to be done about that next week. I am very up for this NG feeding as i really want to get on that list i have never wanted anything more in my life! I mean i am eating lot's but it's just not enough i am pleased i got my kg back but still gutted i hadn't gained more. I went docs this afternoon about my shoulder. he pushed on the area i said i get the most pain and my face said it all lol it hurt! got some iburfofen gel for it to see if that gets rid of it. also had my anti acids changed as i have been getting very bloated and windy after food which isn't nice and very unconfortable i walked into the docs today aswell which was nice just linked arms with my mum which made it easier. I am worried that my pharmacy are going to have toruble getting some hypertonice saline as they were abit miffed about it but will see. fingers crossed they get it. anyway i feel happier now i have got my concerns across to my team so hopefully it is all gonna get moved along quicker now :) xx cheers gemma and tori your comments didn't upset me your both so right bout what you said :) xx

clinic

2009-01-16T13:03:00.002Z

Well had clinic yesterday and although i got off without having iv's and my weight being up i still felt unhappy. I dunno just feel like no one is listening to me. my chest is being a bumhole and playing up and i'm producing more crap from it. And my weight it's fab that it's up but i expected it to be more it's 46.6kgs. still along way off where i need to be they said they would give it another 6 weeks and i'll have ng tube fitted but can i really afford to wait? i feel stupid cos i should of tunred round and said what would you advice me to do? Ng now or wait but didn't think about it well they wanted me back in 4 weeks but can't fit me in for 6 weeks kinda feel not important sounds harsh i know but there are 2 patients who are having tx assesment me and someone else. so no offecne but you'd think we'd be higher priority as we need all the help to get where we need to be. Just feel bit down about it all. I mean when i went harefield Dr carby said he wanted me in asap and that he can't wait 6 months for another appointment as i need to go on the list as soon as and that he thinks there will be nothing to stop me going on the list. But he can't do anything till i am 50kgs and it is really getting to me now as i have tried so god dam hard i can't keep waiting anymore. by the time i have the ng and the weight to get on it will be 6 months since harefield. then gotta have all the tests and my teeth sorted it's so stressful dunno what to do anymore.

biting my tongue

2009-01-13T21:43:00.002Z

Oh my god this morning i was so tired. I had been watching the x-files till silly o clock and then couldn't sleep cos i was scared of aliens lol. (Yes i'm a wimp) lol

I then remembered i couldn't have a lay in as had to get up for my shopping delivery. It turned up at about quarter to 1. and they hadn't got 3 things i'd ordered. like pasta sauce and cat food which are the 2 main things i needed. So wasn't happy. They hadn't charged me for them but there thing was if they can't get the product you ordered they'll give you something similar and charge you the same price as the one you ordered. but they didn't bumholes! Me and my brother had a argument this afternoon as he really annoyed me i put half the shopping away and then sat down for a rest and he said to me the simplest thing and you act like it's the hardest thing in the world. Well yeah to a normal person it is simple but to someone with Cf it ain't so easy. so i got the hump with him and told him he was putting the shopping away like a monkey (meaning he wasn't doing a very good job) he then stormed off upstairs lol. I had a nice nap and felt more happier so called him down and apologised for calling him a monkey lol and he also apologised to me. So me and my dad had to pop to tesco when he finished work and get some cat food and pasta sauce. I also got some cookies lol and some jelly tots and m&m's mmmm! anyway also got my brother birthday cards as it's is 26th tomoz.

I also found out my uncle was taken into hospital tonight with chest pains. He may need a quadruple bypass and he also has unstable angina. So am very worried about him now. Heart problems runs in both sides of my family my dad's dad has angina and my mum's dad and other brother died of a heart attack. Got my fingers crossed he'll be ok. I really feel for my mum aswell cos she's so stressed with me having CF and worried about my future. (i'll be fine tho i'm a stubborn cow lol) And now worrying about her brother it's awful wish i could give her a cuddle but will give her one tomoz when she comes over. anyway best go do my nebuliser now. bye bye xx

Sunday Yawn!

2009-01-11T18:21:00.002Z

Why are sundays so boring? lol

I haven't written for a few days cos not really had alot to say to be honest. Friday i got my a £5 gift card from asda to make up for there trolley staff being bumholes! And i also received a letter from The income support people saying it has been really cold so they are giving me £25 into my account as part of there warmfront thing which was wicked as i didn't know what the hell to do. Wasn't sure if i had to claim or what but apparently i don't everytime it's below 7c for 7 days in a row they will give me a extra 25 pound :) And it has been bloody cold lol.

Yesterday i chilled out my brothers birthday presents came yesterday so he is all sorted now. I also bought my self some games for my Nintendo DS to keep me occupied. I bought America's next top model i was really looking forward to this game but it has turned out to be a big disspointment it finishes to quickly it took me about an hour to finish it and now i'm bored and don't wanna play it again lol. I also got a game called hello baby you have to raise a baby and get it to 1 year to complete the game i have finally got the hang of it as my baby hated me lol But now i know what i'm doing he loves me and has just learned to walk awww he's nearly 1 already :P lol.
Me and my dad were gonna go asda tomoz to get some food shopping but found out the MKdons are playing at home so traffic will be a nightmare so i done it all online instead lol. Got my clinic appointment thrusday which i am kinda weirdly looking forward to. I think it's cos i feel really well the best i have for ages now. and also cos i can see i've gained quite a bit of weight it's all those m&m's i'm eating lol and my supplements. Me and my dad have been guessing my weight lol he reckons 47.5kg's I have said i reckon 46.5-47kgs we shall see on thrusday as i don't weigh myself at all only get weighed at hospital lol. plus the hospital scales are more accurate as they are callibarated.

well anyway i am starving so i am going to make some carbonara mmm! bye bye all xxx

happy as can be

2009-01-06T19:44:00.003Z

Today i've been feeling really happy. My chest has been good so been more awake and alert. Today i received a email from Asda as i had complained about the till aisle's and the trolley men. The lady was very nice and explained that she had spoke to the manager of the store and that if i have anymore problems to contact her again. She then asked for my address so that she could send me a gesture of goodwill which i thought was really nice. I did explain that i don't normaly have problems there so was very dissapointed when i did have.

a couple of my brothers presents are on there way which is cool. I cooked my dad and brother dinner tonight thought it would make a nice change for my dad as he comes home has a shower then does dinner. mostly cos i have been to tired and my brother is a rubbish cook lol.
My dad also picked up my repeat prescription which i was nt happy about as they had forgot to put megace on it. The first thing i had asked fr was that as i knew i was nearly out. So i rang them and explained it all the lady said you need to do another repeat prescription again which means you have to wait 48hrs for it :( So i just said to her it is kinda urgent and asked if my GP was avaviable to ask for it. He isn't in till tomoz thought so the lady went and found another doctor. She said i can collect it tomoz which is cool cos then me and my dad will go boots and get are meds and then i said i'd buy a mcdonalds for dinner hehe mmmm! apple pie :P

well kittens i am going to go for a nice hot bubble bath. xx

It's all good!!!

2009-01-05T16:29:00.002Z

HELLO! So the last time i blogged i was feeling really down and pants! Wel today i feel fab i changed my neb drug from colomycin to gentamycin and it is working my chest is feeling clear and i can breath (well better then i normally can lol ) anyway i woke up at about half 7 and stayed up for a few hours had breakie and watched friends then had a little nap. I woke up again about 11ish. I chilled and watched some more tv. then made some carbonara for lunch mmmm! and had a mini milkyway. i then had a call from Jo the dietician at my hospital just talking bout bg tube feeding she said that i can have a tube in that could last for months which makes me so much happier about it all as i don't want to have it being reinserted all the time. So am happy now. I said i was on 3 megace tablets which they are fine with just gotta keep an eye on blood sugars. And i have a appointment for next thursday at clinic. I plan on walking in depending on how my lungs are that morning.

I ordered birthday presents for my brother from hmv last week but they weren't sent out 24hrs like they said so i cancelled that after waiting til friday for something to happen. I then redone the order on saturday hoping that something would be sent out today but nope nothing so i have cancelled it again and ordered everything from asda now. hopefully it will all be here by next wednesday as that's my brothers birthday.

I am into mini chocolate bars at the moment lol hopefully that will pile on some pounds.
I tidied my room today as it needed it badly. And i got my avon order today yay got my mum some more charms for her charm bracele that i got her for xmas she now has every single one that you can get. I am sure they'll make some new ones soon though. anyway i am off to make a nice cup of tea and eat some Jaffa cakes mmmm!

2009 isn't going to well...

2009-01-03T22:55:00.002Z

ARGH!!!!! i'm having such a rubbish time in 2009 so far. My lovely chest has decided it wants to start misbehaving and cause me grief. walking to the kitchen is abit of a chore at the moment so is cooking and getting dressed yep i have a chest infection again. and i am also struggling to eat cos i feel so pants. so am taking 3 megace tablets. I am so having a NG tube if they can keep it in for 2 weeks at a time don't care bout it being visable.

Went to Asda today with my dad and went in my wheelchair. We couldn't find a trolley that attachs to the chairs so went and asked the 3 trolley men that were standing around doing nothing. There reply was "ERM I DUNNO, THINK THE LAST ONE IS BEING USED" then another one said "NAH I PUT SOME UP THE OTHER END OF THE STORE" then they just stood there staring??? No offers of getting us one so me being erm me lol I got angry at them lol I said bloody useless twats!!! then my dad turned round and said to them yeah thanks for your useless help! idiots i tell ya! so off to the end of the shop we went outside aswell this was. It was bloody freezing! We got one eventually and as we went back to the entrance the 3 trolley boys were play fighting with eachother which made me even angerier! After we had done our shop we went to the till now we have never had trouble getting the wheelchair and the trolley through the isle before but today it just wouldn't fit have the till isle's shrunk? they must of done so yes this kicked me off again and my dad had to push me right round all the tills to the end to get through to the end of our till I felt like a right useless cow! stupid lungs if only they'd work and i wouldn't have to be such a hassle! ARGH!!!! My dad never complains though but i feel guilty cos it's just such a hassle for him. Saying that i feel like a burden to everyone in my family i hate it. nobody complains about helping me but i dunno i just feel so guilty for them doing it. I emailed asda though complaining. Why can't 2009 just be a nice year for me argh!!! i'm stressed about getting on the transplant list but the weight just ain't going on so yet again i have to wait til the end of jan for this bloody NG tube then gotta get the weight on fuck sake it's just so hard ARGH!!! why can't they just take me for the weight i am now God i wanna curl up into a ball and cry. CF is shit fucking shit. *excuse my language i'm just so fedup*

my mum really believes i'm going to get some new lungs this year but i don't share her positive spirit cos i feel so crap and am trying and it's just not going!

2009 already...

2008-12-31T21:38:00.002Z

Wow hasn't the year flown by!!!
I'm round my mum's and her fiancee's for a few days as i do every few weeks it's nice get to spend sometime with my mummy whom i love dearly.

I had a awful night last night at home tho At about half 2 i started vomitting quite badly and had stomach pains. I did think today i had the sickness bug as i felt so rough all day but my dad told me he felt awful after a pizza we had had the other night so think that's what the problem was i'm now off of dominos pizzas ergh!

I'm hoping 2009 will bring me some lovely new lungs that's when i get on the list. which i'm sure i will just need some help with my weight gain so am probably going to say yes to the ng tube.

2008 hasn't been that great a year second port coming out of my skin. having awful pains that make me faint falling out with friends having to go for transplant assesment and also losing a great friend toria.

But 2008 has also had some good points 2 i kicked my fear of needles. I got a picc line which was good apart from poking a nerve lol and i got the go ahead to try megace and gained the most weight i had in years. so not to bad i'd say.

let's hope 2009 brings everyone great times and happy memories and everyone who needs some new sparkly lungs gets theres :) xxx

christmas is over!

2008-12-29T16:46:00.002Z

Hello couldn't be bothered to update my blog for the past few days as not been to well. I think xmas wore me out lol not that i did much. Anyway xmas day i woke up about 8 but couldn't get back to sleep my dad woke up to let the dog out he said he would have another hour in bed then we can open presents lol but i still couldn't sleep don't think he could either cos he was back dow again about half 8 hahaha! He woke my brother up and we opened our presents.
My dad got me
every episode of friends on dvd, a massive makeup case on wheels full of makeup, and a dove bath set.
my brother got me
some nic bottles of bubble bath they were like toffee scented and apple. and he got me a my sims game on the wii which i'm addicted to lol thanks bro! lol
we also gave Dave the dog his presents he got a squeaky hedgehog and a armadilo lol he loved them.

at about 11ish my mum came round with presents she got me some socks with my name on, a dressing gown, some britney spears perfume, a me to you rug it's so cute it's ike one of the big teddys but a rug lol, and also got a me to you diary, some chill trousers and a zip hoodie, and a pink blow up pillow with a eye mask and socks.

my mum went home after an hour as she had to do dinner. it was a nice chilled day we had dinner about half 2 it was lovely my dads such a good cook. watched the queens speech it was boring lol. then i had a little nap and then played my game on the wii.

Boxing day was pretty quiet. I went to my mum's her fiancee's daughter was there she's 5. she got loads of board games and Ian was playing them all with her. i got some presents i got a lovely picture frame, a new handbag and jimmy carrs new dvd which is hilarious.
we had some bits for dinner and then eva went home and me ad my mum chilled.

I am pretty shattered from xmas now as was naughty and got out of my routine of nebs and physio. so my chest has't been doing that great. I am also strugglig with this burping problem it's always after i have eaten i can burp for ages it's horrible it's keeping me up at night aswell.

if you don't have CF then you dn't understand what it's like so shut up!

2008-12-24T17:33:00.002Z

Well last night was very eventful me and my best mate fell out big time and oh my god the things she said were unreal! Basically i am sad and pathetic cos i have no life not cos of my CF but cos i have no social skills ha! then she said i wouldn't know a days work if it hit me in the face. she also said she'd break my neck and my back so i know how she feels everyday (yes she did break them a few years back but can walk and is pretty much normal now) anyway i just thought ha how sad of her. Then she said me using a wheelchair is pure lazyness hahaha! stupid bitch! Now i'll admit i said some really horrible things to her like telling her to go do a better job of crashing her car yes mean of me i know but when someone gets personal then i'll not hold back i can get just as low. but eveuntually she carried on texting but i just sat there and deleted them before reading them. I'm feeling really well right now and not going to let a stupid jealous person like her bring me down. And yes she is jealous of me for some odd reason i think she wishes she had CF cos my parents care and help me so much hers don't. Oh and my parents apparently feel pity towards me cos i'm so weak this actually made me and my brother laugh as if i was weak i am pretty sure i would of given up or died along time ago especially when i got pnuemonia that nearly killed me but i fought it took a dam long time but i made it and am still fighting today so she can go take a running jump! Rumour has it she crashed her car on purpose anyway. not suprising really she is a bad driver and doesn't pay attention as she is always texting on her phone.

Anyway i am all set for xmas can't wait should be a nice day. we have cheated on the trifles i normally make one but we bought them from asda last night hehe.
I went shopping with my dad and deciced i'm not going to use my wheelchair as i need to see if this pain will come on. so we were walking round asda and we made it to the pet food and i had to sit down as the pain was there it was very very faint tho but still there i got hot but not as hot as i normally do and didn't feel like passing out just felt all tingly. anyway after 5 mins i got up and started walking again i had to sit down again for about 5 mins and then got up and went to the till. I was fine the rest of the time tho so didn't feel to down about the pain as it wasn't as bad so obviously my line was irrating something. gonna go back to the docs in the new year and see what he suggests as i think it's nerve damage. anyway hope everyone has a lovely xmas xx

Happy 1st birthday to edward

2008-12-21T18:21:00.002Z

It's toria's baby boys 1st birthday today and althought she can't be there to celebrate i am very sure she is there in spirit. Hope he has a fab day and that luke does to. I still miss toria lot's and lot's but am sorting my self out cos i know she' kick my bum if i moped around about her passing away.

So a big happy birthday to you edward and big hugs and kisses xxxx

Back to my daddies

2008-12-20T18:45:00.002Z

I'm back at my dad's now. Had another great time at my mum's and her finacee's again it's always quite a good laugh lol. Am seeing my mum again xmas day as she is gonna pop over with presents for me and my bro and i have some for her to open. then boxing day i am at hers to open presents and then she can have the rest of hers lol. i'm very excited about xmas this year as i feel pretty good although still 5 days to go so fingers crossed it lasts. I haven't had that awful pain either and i've been running around just to bring it on but it's not happening so that's great and it's really cheered me up lot's as i was getting so down and fed up with it. I c an handle not being able to breath properly i'm used to it and have a breathing technic but that pain i really couldn't take that aswell but it's gone and i hope it stays gone. :)

I feel so good

2008-12-19T17:19:00.002Z

I feel really good today my chest is not tight i'm not wheezy i can actually get up and walk around yes i get breathless but not as bad as it has been and haven't had that awful pain since my picc line was removed so i am hoping that was the cause to alot of things and was just possibly sitting on a nerve or somthing. The thing with my picc line is it never sat in the top of the aorta like it was supposed to it wouldn't go any further then my shoulder as i have a thin vein due to where i had a car accident and the port i had at the time had broke in my neck so now that vein is buggered so won't be having any lines put up there again.

The next time i need one i am going to get it put in the left side and hopefully it can go all the way where it should sit. Last night i had a bath as normal and sat in the bath and waitied for the pain to come on but it never did. I kept forgetting that i could get my arm wet again and kept leaning it on the side of the bath i then realised what i was doing and stuck it right in the water lol it felt really weird as it's not got wet since feb lol. I did my hypertonic saline last night and was shocked cos i hadn't coughed alot up i thought wow that makes a change even with physio i hardly coughed anything up i was chuffed lol. My mum was a bit shocked yesterday as i ran down the stairs i was doing it to see if the pain would come on but it didn't. I have been moving around quickly just to see if it has gone and so far i have had nothing so really really hoping it's gone and that i can start walking around again and doing housework abit more cos i hate sitting around and not being able to do anything it sucks. I'll still use my wheelchair when i have infections and go somewhere that involves lot's of walking. But i'm hoping i stay well for a while so i can get some weight on. and enjoy christmas this year. xx

Clinic today

2008-12-18T15:04:00.003Z

Had clinic today my dad took me. Was pretty prepared for them saying i had lost some weight and decided not to wear a bra cos i thought they'd wanna do a chest x-ray. Got there about 9.20 which was good considering traffic was pretty rubbish and that my appointment wasn't til 9.45 but if i get there early they see me quicker.
I got weighed and i was 45.5kgs i have lost a kg which i was quite upset about but the nurse said not to be to upset about it. Then i did a blow to see what my lung function was doing and OH MY GOD it was the same as it was at the end of my last iv's which was nearly 4 weeks ago. We discussed ng tube feeding as the dietician thinks my weight is gonna stay between 45-46 and not go much higher which isn't good enough to get on the transplant list so going to think about it over xmas. But yay no iv's over xmas just gotta keep up with my routine in the evening. of physio and nebbing best after a bath as it loosens everything up even more lol.

The big change is that my picc line has gone and i am so sad about it but it's to see if it's the cause of the chest pain fingers corssed it is cos then one less thing to think about. Hopefully get another line put in in the new year anyway am off to drink my tea and watch spin star xx

Feeling ok

2008-12-17T17:57:00.002Z

Today chest wise i have been feeling ok not as breathless as normal so am thinking these nebbed antibiotics are fighting my infection as i really don't want iv's over christmas. I have clinic tomoz and am hoping they'll find out what this pain is as had it a few times again today but other then that chest ain't to bad. I'm not coughing up as much gunk as i was so that's good.

I watched 3 films last night i watched the day the earth stood still which i had been looking forward to seeing it wasn't as good as i thought it would be so was rather disapointed. I then watched Donkey punch which i was quite shocked about as it was very rude and violent eeek! but still good lol. I then decided i was still not sleepy so watched the changeling now from seeing adverts of it i didn't think i'd enjoy it but oh my god it was fab and i have so much respect for christine collins and the fact she kept on fighting. The murder in it scared me though as he just had no remorse for what he had done. I presume walter was one of the boys murdered as he was never ever found although his mother never gave up the search bless her! The film was so sad and kinda frustrating cos the police guy was such a arsehole!

anyway will write about clinic tomoz am off for my chicken korma now tata xx

can't make it's mind up!

2008-12-15T15:25:00.002Z

LOL as the title says my chest just won't make its mind up! 1 day i feel awful like i have a infection then another day i feel great and full of energy! bloody thing is annoying me now! I got that pain again today but i managaed to get rid of it by taking really slow deep breaths and it went before it came on fully so hopefully i can now control it! as i won't b defeated muhahahahahaha!

I was pretty angry today and had a good moan to my ex about it. (He's been a great friend to me lately) we can talk in depth without it getting weird and upsetting now which is nice i can see me and him having a great close friendship as i have now come round to the idea of not being with him in a relationship right now as i'm just to ill to manage. And i know he finds it hard with me being ill but who knows what the future will bring when i get my new lungs lol.

My dad isn't to well at the moment he has a virus or something which is worried i'm going to get but i am staying at my mum and ian's on wednesday so it'll be fine. My mum has a cold tho lol but i think i'm going to be on iv's on thrusday as my chest just can't make it;s mind up! so better to be safe then sorry. I thought my picc line was casuing that pain but now i'm not sure lol duno what it is. will have a word with the doctor on thursday at clinic.

anyway it's a bit chilly brrrr! I'm watching spinstar on itv 1 there's a girl called carrie and god she never answers any questions right! why go on there if your that thick lol.

had a dream that i weighed 50.5kgs last night hmmmm don't think so lol i reckon i'm about 45-47kgs as been struggling with my appetite at the mo. and can't stop burping grrrr! i feel bloated all the time not nice stupid body lol.

anyway my beauties i am off to watch telly TA TA xx

Getting really fed up!!!

2008-12-12T16:41:00.002Z

I'm still getting this stupid pain and still no one knows what it is! I am trying to flush my line twice a day to see if that solves the problem as i can't take much more it's really peeing me off!

I tried making pancakes this morning as i really wanted some but the pain came on so thought stuff it and had a milkshake instead which is ok but not good enough.
I got dressed today and it took me half an hour just to put a top on cos of this pain. i want to know what it is grrr!

oh no not again!

2008-12-07T17:44:00.003Z

Hello everyone. Well firstly i'll say i decided i fancied a change of colour for my blog so my mum helped me pick this one out hope you all like. I spent 4 days at my mum's this week it was nice and a good laugh as always. Wasn't to well on thursday tho as i got that pain again and it decided to hang around most of the night. I haven't been sleeping very well lately 4 days in a row i have been without sleep. I am tired but just can't seem to drop off. I think it's cos everytime i have been very tight chested and wheezy so it's been hard to breath. I wondered what was casuing this and am now thinking it's the hypertonic saline as i couldn't have it 1 night as i felt sick and everytime i coughed i was trying not to puke! But That night i wasn't wheezy so slept okish.
had my saline last night and yet again struggled to sleep due to wheezyness. My inhaler doesn't settle this either.

Went to the pet shop yesterday with my mum and Ian to get some gerbil stuff as they have 2 gerbils. Nigel and mr jingles lol and i wanted to get my dog dave some christmas presents as he loves to unwrap them on chritsmas day hehe! we then went to a garden centre as my mum wanted some tinsel. Ian was pushing me in my wheelchair i tel ya he is so annoying lol he just parks me somewhere an leaves me it's so funny he is only messing about tho but it's a good giggle lol. we then went home and cleaned the gerbils out well i just sat and played with them as my mum cleaned out there tank. They love it when it's all clean they go nuts and dig and run about lol it's funny.

I went docs on friday and mentioned this pain i asked if it could be acid reflux. so we are seeing if it settles with me taking double anti acids so far tho i have still been getting the pain. I have also not been able to stop burping it is so bad i can burp for ages eeek!
if it doesn't settle in 2 weeks i gotta go back and we are going to try something else. He mentioned someting about nerves in my spine which is a bit freaky hopefully not that.

Came back to my dad's last night and chilled out but stupid me had my saline and felt rubbish for it grrr! not doing it tonight! i watched the x-factor i was hoping JLS or eoghan went but diane did instead wasn't to bothered tho as i want alexandra to win lol shes fab!
i watched a film called invasion which was pretty good i really enjoyed it.

me and my dad went shopping for some crimbo decorations we went homebase and they had sold out of tinsel? how do you sell out of tinsel. so then e went b&q they had loads there :)
i decorated the tree and my dad hung all the tinsel and other bits around the room. it looks very festive :)
I have done all my xmas shopping now just waiting for 2 parcels to arrive one is just a top for me but the other is a present for my dad. Am off to machester too up tomoz as my mum's bf ian has to go up there to do something wit his car so i said i'd go as it gets me out and about plus my auntie lives up that way so we are gonna pop in and see her. and her dog alfie who looks so cute.

I am worried about my chest again as am struggling with stairs and generally getting dressed. I am back at clinic on the 18th so will see how i go if i get worse tho i will go up before then. really don' want iv's over christmas grrr! stupid lungs!
not much else to write about so will go now and have a bath and relax lol shall wirte tomoz bye bye xx

had a hard day...

2008-12-03T18:15:00.003Z

Well yesterday i had a pretty bad day. I got my chest pains 4 times and one time it happened whilst i was cooking some pasta i had to sit on the floor and i had forgotten i was cooking then heard a boiling sound and realised the pasta was still on so tunred it off whilst trying not to pass out argh!!! I got so fed up i rang the hospital and they said the same thing take paracetamol argh! the pain lasts 10 mins and it's ok i can handle that it's the burning up and nearly passing out that i can't take it's getting annoying now. they told me to come up tomoz but i think it would be pointless they'd just turn round and say it's mucus plugging so i am going to my gp friday about it. So spent most of the day in tears about it. But i'm feeling ok today just gotta take my time when doing things and not rush .

I am at my mums til saturday now which is good gonna chill. I am finishing some shopping tomoz one more order and then i'm done hurray lol just gotta wrap it all lol putting the decos up on sunday at my dad's. anyway i am off to have some dinner adios amigos!!!

Been thinking

2008-11-29T21:48:00.002Z

I read Toria's eulogy yesterday and haven't stopped thinking about it since. Her sister wrote it and did a brillaint job. She mentioned things that Toria said about Cf and how she looked at it. and it has really inspried me so much. I am now looking at My CF in a total different way. It is what makes me who i am it makes me special yeah it's a horrible and crap illness to have but reading the eulogy it made me think If i didn't have CF would i be the strong person that i am cos of my CF?

Ok i'd be a different person i know that i'd prob be out partying every weekend working and driving. But Not really apparicating life. With CF it makes you realise just how short and preciuos life really is. I am me because of my CF i am strong and a fighter. And i want to thank toria for being such a inspriation thank you sweetie xxx and to shellie for sharing the eulogy with people who couldn't attend toria's celebration of her life.

My mum said to me yesterday that i was a nicer person to know now. As i have been sch a awful person to alot of people in the past and i just never knew why and still don't. All i was doing was alienating and pushing people who loved me and wanted to be there for me away. But not anymore i am new me I am a nice me nomore being a bitch to people from now on it's going to be take each day as it comes.

I went to my bf's last night and we kinda had a row but it was good in away cos we both opened up about things. He told me he's afraid of commitment and that he can't offer me what i want which he's right he can't. He also said he isn't the loving kind which i know he's not lmao!
So after it had all cooled down we decided that we are better as friends and as soon as we had said that we both totally changed around eachother and just had a laugh about the most random things it was nice and it was the first time i had really felt like the real me around him. So i think he is now going to be one of my close friends which will be nice. We are gonna have dvd nights as i was supposed to stay last night but couldn't sleep and cos i couldn't sleep i started to feel really odd and got that awful feeling of passin out but without the pain which was weird. so asked him to take me home at like 3 in the morning i felt so bad for doing this but i thought it's not fair on either of us if i don't feel well. So he did bless him. When i got home i eventually got that pain argh! and it lasted for ages it was awful. It didn't help that i was dying for a pee lol sorry. And i knew i couldn't get up or i'd just get worse and eventually burnup. But i really had to go so i got up and went. I had to sit on the bathroom floor for 10 mins after as it was pretty bad the pain. I then got myself back to bed and just layed there and eventually fell alseep.

I have slept most of the day today as fet exhausted. I feel ok now just a little headache. anyway am going to make a cuppa before the x-factor result show i hope alexandra wins she's awesome. and i reckon britney will mime tonight i mean come on she ain't gonna sing live! adios amigos xxx

bored bored bored

2008-11-27T15:53:00.002Z

I'M SO BORED.............. i don't know what to do with myself lol. I have listened to music and bopped along to britneys album. and am now boredy bored again. my brother is hoovering oh my god i nearly fainted at the shock of it! hahaha! i watched quantum of solace last night i really enojoyed it. and i watched house bunny during the day it was also good and funny.

I am really enjoying hollyoaks late night this week niall is back and is stalking steph eeek!

I don' really have much to write about really i'm just bored. Am going round my mum's for the day tomoz so that should be cool. waiting for a few deliverys aswell to turn up one came today am waiting for 2 more think one will come monday and the other tomoz. i did all my xmas cards last night yay i'm pretty much set for xmas now x

so....

2008-11-25T16:45:00.002Z

Well hello all I am feeling pretty well apart from these annoying pains in my chest that i get ARGH! Every time i get up to do something like feed the aniamls let them out do washing or tidy up i get this pai and it makes me wanna pass out. Now i was told it's mucus plugs blocking my air sacks and dropping my oxygen sats but i don't think it is cos i do my physio and take my hypertonic saline which loosens it all. i just don't know . I decided to go asda yesterday as i felt good and said to my dad i won't take the wheelchair as i feel full of energy. well after 10mins of walking around i started feeling light headed and then the wonderful chest pain kicked in. and i had to sit down. after about 10mins i started to feel a bit better i just looked like someone had thrown a load of water t my face lol. I decided to try and carryon shopping but after walking just 2 steps i could tell that my body wasn't going to let me so my dad told me to go wait in the car. I was not happy with myself as i just want to be able to do normal things. it's kinda even scarier now cos i have a bf and am worried bout if he wants to go out places hopefully he'll be bring like me and wanna stay in especially with it being so cold out lol. anyway i'm staying happy and just getting on with things i know my family don't expect me to do much so i feel abit better bout not helping out more. I've nearly done my xmas shopping i done it pretty much all online again this year hehe. just got one more order of stuff to do next week and then i'm done. :) hopefully can put the tree up soon i love chritsmas cos of the food mmmmm should hit 50kgs in no time ;) xxx

From me to you. <3

2008-11-22T18:00:00.003Z

It was Toria's funeral yesterday but cos i haven't been very well and there was a risk of cross infection So it was best i didn't go. I decided as a way of remembering toria and saying goodbye i would release a ballon with a note attached. I decided that dunstable downs was the best place as it is high up and windy.

So me and my mum went clintons Ian (my mum's fiancee waited in the car for us) i was going to get a piglet 1 but my mum then pointed out the me to you bear and i thought this was so much better then piglet. So we got one and as i got in the car with it it had started to leak helium :( i was a bit upset my mum took it back to the shop and returned with a nice new one i was chuffed :).

We then drove to dunstable downs. When we got there my mum said it's going to blow behind us and not out over the hills which is what i wanted it to do. so we walked up the path a little way and we both were worried that when i released it it would bounce along the ground and not go up. I let it go and it floated up into the sky it was so lovely to watch as it was going so high up after about 10mins it had dissappeared into the clouds ready for toria to catch it. It made me feel so sad and so happy at the same time i was sad cos i miss her so much and wish she was still here today. But i was happy that i could do something to say goodbye in my own way. I think it's prob still out there somewhere floating about :)

RIP toria i'll remember you forever xxxx

END of my 10th lot of iv's woooooo!

2008-11-20T13:51:00.003Z

Had clinic today all was fab! I had lost a kg last week and was very upset bout it but today i had gained it again woooo! the docs and dietian were all pretty shocked as for me this is a big thing as before if i lost a kg it was gone and would be so hard to get back but this hasn't been hard. My lung function is up a bit not majorly but it's never gonna be great but it's up so again i'm happy. I went in my wheelchair i probably could of walked but was bit nervous bout tiring myself out. my oxygen sats were 89% which i was worried about but the doc seemed ok with it so it stopped me worrying. i have to go back in a month hopefully things will be good still. gonna take some choccies and xmas cards with me next time actually there prob fed up of chocolates so will take in some tubs of haribo lol something different!

Am at my mum's now til saturday gonna come stay here every other week for a few days change of scenery. not much else to report really just gonna chill.

Hurray for hypertonic saline!

2008-11-15T22:36:00.002Z

Yes it is briallant i have been using it for a few days it is working well. I haven't done alot today just chilled and watched tv and ate yea my appetite was a bit better today i'm pleased to say hurray. My dad said i seem very churpy today and i feel it lol. I haven't really got much to write about to be honest lol maybe i'll have more gossip tomoz I'm off to watch resident evil 3 lol ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGH!!!!!

2008-11-14T21:37:00.002Z

ARGH! I had a checkup yesterday as it was mid iv's and i have lost a kg ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not impressed stupid bumhole poo sticks bumhole chest infection! it is getting in my way of eating rargh........! But I must remain calm cool collected and most of all postive otherwise i'll end up crying and making myself feel worse and just generally pants! I will gain the weight back onc this pooey infection is under control. And then i shall be grabbing that 50kg's with both hands and laughing saying hahahahaha i got you bitch yeah i got you! Sorry if i sound loopey im just in one of those moods lol laughter is heping me stay postive.

On a better note i played the xbox with my brother today we played burnout 3 road rage and i beat him 20-15 ahahahahahha! he was not happy and said i was cheating funny that i've never played the game before today hehe! He's such a bad loser!

I was reading the paper about baby p today my god it's so awful what he went through. i signed the suns petition to have the people who let him down sacked. I hope the peeple who done this rot in jail and never get to enjoy life again they don't deserve to after what they did to that innocent defencless boy R.I.P baby P x

Anyway it's nearly time for my iv's was going to see whats on tv but so far have found nothing it's children in need tonight i find that a bit boring tho x

physio is.....

2008-11-13T02:03:00.002Z

A huge pain in the arse! not literally tho... Anyway it's just gone 2AM and i am awake as i had to get up and do some physio as my chest was so tight argh! bare in mind i done physio about half 8 after my hot bath as i always feel very lose after. Anyway i struggled getting stuff up as it has been so thick lately.

I have started to feel better in myself and am getting bit better at gettng up the stairs sometimes lol sometimes it's still abit much. I'm still sleeping downstairs on the sofa as it's easier then going up and down the stairs all the time to keep getting my meds. Tuesday lisa one of the CF nurses came to see me for a chat and some blood tests. I told her i was starting to feel better and my oxygen sats had gone back upto to 93% hurray! Well i was feeling better then last night after my bath i did physio then my neb and felt ok then bout half a hour later i started feeling very tight chested and had my inhaler this didn't help and i started to feel sick and achey. I didd my iv's as normal and still felt rough. Then my chest really stated hurting it started off in the middle then it moved to my right side it was so painful i couldnt lay down i was up all night in tears it hurt so much my dad came down at one point and gave me a hug and sat with me for a while i told him he should go to bed as he h ad to wrok the next day. He did and told me to text him if i got worse. I decided i felt so tired that i was just gonna laydown and grit my teeth through the pain. Then my cat came and layed on my chest and snuggled up. i eventually fell off to sleep. I woke up about 7am and was still in pain but it was a bit duller at this point. i decided to sleep all day and just wake up to have a milkshake and do my iv's i did this and by the time my dad got home at 6pm the pain had totally gone thank god! I honestly have never felt something like that before it was awful. I have hospital tomoz so will ask what it could of been i was thinking sticky mucus but when i tried getting it all up it wasn't moving maybe a pulled muscle? Nah i've pulled a muscle before it was never that painful. we'll see what is said tomoz. I am going to have a 3rd week of iv's as they have only just kicked in this week. so thought it was the best thing to do. i think i have lost some weight aswell cos this chest infection hit me pretty hard my poor body has taken a beating.I blame the flu jab i had i went down hill not long after it and i never have problems with them argh!! But my saying is i may not be winning the battle but i shall win the war lol if that makes any sense at all! Anyway i should try and get some shut eye now that i can reath a bit better now my lungs are a bit emptier. nighty night don't let the bed bugs bite xxx

the good and the bad!

2008-11-06T17:02:00.002Z

Hello :) I had clinic today as i was mid ivs it was decided that i should ahve my meroepneum changed to tazocin as mero wasn't working so am on tazocin and colomycin iv's. gotta go back next week. my weight has gon from 46kgs to 46.5kgs which is good considering i've been really bad and pretty much living off my supplements lol. the dieticain said to continue that if it's all i can manage at the moment. It's not that i'm not hungry it's just i'm to tired to get up and cook or prepare something so supplements are much easier just grab one and drink lol althought have had to use scandi shakes as have run out of fortisip :( gotta pick my prescription up tomoz.

I also dicussed going to Toria's funeral. They said it's my decision but if there is alot of people with CF going at this time with my chest being bad and me trying to get my weight up so i can be assesed for transplant that it would be a big risk and could make me ill again also with the whole emotional side of it to. i know Toria would understand and be happier if i kept myself well and was able to get on the transplant list. I did feel bad about not going but i do know it could be risky and could even jeopordise the chances of me getting on the list if i catch something bad. plus i'm fighting a tough infection at the moment that seems to be a sttubborn bugger but never fear i will win the war lol!

I have got halfway through my xmas shopping now bought my mum some presents today and have got all my brothers and ordeered my dad's presents today so should be here sometime next week or even tomoz or saturday. Also ordered my mum's fiancee a present. i'm pretty stuck on what else to get my mum tho lol.

I'm going shopping again with my mum tomoz to finish getting some stuff for my dad. :)

round 10....DINGDING

2008-11-04T21:11:00.003Z

Well i dissapeared into hospital last wednesday as my chest was pretty pants! my lung function had dropped quite abit so was very concerened my oxygen sat were down to 89 which is low for me as mine normally are about 93/94 so was very concerned i didn't wanna go in but was talked round lol.

I had a oxygen sats machince on at night to measure my pulse and sats to see how far they dropped when i slept although i hardly slept as everytime i drifted off the machince alarmed cos my sats had dropped low. My sats at 1 point were 53% which is not good. So it was decided the next night to try me on oxygen over night and then prick my ear in the morning to check my blood gases and to make sure my cardon dioxide wasn't to high. It turned out to be normal with oxygen on so the decision was made for me to have it on over night. was kinda unhappy cos i always said i'd never let it get to tis stage but it has and now it has not alot i can really do about it but just get on with it. there is also talk about having oxygen during the day for when i move around as my sats drop quite low again. But again not happy bout it but if i happens it happens gotta get on with it. and if it makes it a bit easier to breath then suppose it ain't gonna be that bad. I'm more just annoyeed at the fact i know i'll get people looking at me feeling sorry for me which i really don't like.

So anyway came home friday evening and am on mereopneum and colomycin iv's which colomycin is a new one for me i have always only had it in neb so am having a few side affects my skin is getting really spotty and i keep staggering around like i'm drunk it's annoying. and this is also the 10th lot of iv's this year hence the blog title.

I've started my xmas shopping got all my brothers presents just gotta order my dads this week and am trying to decided what to get my mum lol. I tink i will struggle end of november with y money as my DLA is changing and will no longer be paid with my income support and instead will be paid on it's own every 4 weeks which is a pain in the bum so don't know how i'm gonna cope! so we'll see.

I spoke to my hospital today as clinovia forgot to deliver my colomycin today whoops. it got delivered eventually lol one of the cf team isn't sure if i should go to toria's funeral cos of cross infection. which to be honest i could do with out getting anything else right now. I'm sure toria would undertand tho. am thinking of realeasing a ballon of piglet on the day with a nice note attached.

I'm so bored this evening there is nothing on tv argh!!!!

my mum said she might come round tomoz if she finishes early tonight. be nice to see her. have been sleeping downstairs the past few weeks it's just alot easier with eing on iv's as my little fridge is dwn here plus i'm right near the kitchen.

anyway tata for now :)

really had enough

2008-10-27T19:56:00.003Z

I'm so fed up really really am! Toria's death has really hit me so hard it has made me realise how real everything is and how short life is. Today a friend was moaning bout her rubbish her life is how can she sit there and say that? 1 she has a beautiful baby boy who she will no doubt she grow up and take his first steps and say his first word. Toria will never get to have that and she never onc moaned about how hard it is being a mum even with her Cf aswell she was amazing. And i wish she was still hear today to see edward grow up and walk and talk but she won't and it breaks my heart so much.

All my hard work with my weight is over it's all going again so can kiss goddbye to my transplant.

I had a dream about toria last night was very wierd and upsetting i dreamt that i was on msn and then she suddnely signed in and was chatting to me even thought she had passed away was very weird didn't know what to make of it! I feel really bad cos i know toria wouldn't want me to feel so down about her passing away and would want me to get on the list but it's just so hard not to have her around for some good advice plus she never got to hear about harefield :( i miss her loads. everytime i see a jammy dodger bar i think of her as she decided to go buy some one time cos i raved about them contstantly lol. I wanna go to her funeral but i know i'm just to ill at the moment. So i think i'll send some flowers so that she knows i'm thinking of her. Her sister Shelie sent me a lovely message the other day thanking me for all my messages to toria. Everytime shellie said you'll never guess who this message is from toria would roll her eyes and shurg knowingly and shellie would say it's from Jo and toria would smile. it made me feel happy that she knew i was always thinking of her. The teddy i sent was also sat at the end of her bed which is sweet. Just wish she was hear to help me through this rough patch now. she'd give me some conforting words and make me smile with what she says she always knew the right things to say :) anyway gonna go climb the stairs when i say climb i pretty much mean crawl so i can have a bath am sleeping downstairs tonight though saves me going up and down tomoz.

going hospital wednesday as cass the cf nurse is worried bout my chest and appetite my dad is taking me though cos my mum is to busy everything comes before my health that's how it feels anyway!

Changes

2008-10-25T14:48:00.003+01:00

So much has changed the past few days. Toria has left our world which i still can't believe.
I also talked to my mum about exactly how i was feeling and she has suggested that i live with her in the week so that i ca have the help i need but i'm not sure as i miss my dad and animals so much. I also rang my hospital yesterday as i don't feel well and have lost a bit of weight they just kept saying how hard this week had been with toria passing and everything. I really didn't need to hear that it has been hard but i'm ill cos of my chest. So i have taken actions into my own hands seeing as they didn't wanna listen and am taking some iv's that i had left over from all the times i've had some. I alway seem to be given extra lol i just need to mix them myself which is ok . If i don't start perking up within the next week i shall ring hospital again. I have styaed here at my mum's for the week which has been nice but upsetting cos it's highlighted how bad things have got i physically can't climb stairs anymore. and it's getting much harder and tiring to dress myself. and i'm using loads more oxygen then i normally do and shopping oh my god what a nightmare if i don't take my wheelchair i get to the point where i wanna sit down on the floor and not move again. i really can't beleive how fast i'm going down hill. it's scary. and i hate the ffact that i have to wait til i'm 50kgs before harefield will have me in for assesment i need to be on the list now or i'm afraid i won't make it so much going through my head it's very hard and emotional x

Goodbye Toria

2008-10-23T16:43:00.003+01:00

My dear friend Toria lost her fight against CF last night. I was abit concerened that something wasn't right as there was no update posted last night. I found this morning when my friend text me and said i'm so sorry about Toria Jo. I txt back saying it's ok she's still fighting hard of course not realising she had passed away. I checked Toria's facebook profile and immediately saw a post saying R.I.P I have to say it really gutted me and shocked me. I really thought that she would be ok but i'm so gutted that she didn't. she was a brillant friend to me and lot's of other people. wheneva i was feeling angry or upset about CF she'd always say something to cheer me up. I was readin all the messages she sent me today and they made me laugh and smile and cry. She always had a great way of putting things. I remember the night i took her and oli (also has CF) Clubbing it was a really good night we had a laugh and toria looked really pretty that night. I just wish i had taken some pictures of that night. She was one of the people who talked me into getting a port fitted. She tried to talk me into a feeding tube but she knew she'd never get me to have one lol she told me to many horror stories about hers hehe. I also remember the first time i found out she was pregnant i was so shocked she had posted it on her facebook status it said toria' going to be a mummy in 3 weeks i was like are you joking lol and she was like nope i'm going to be a mummy. And then she had beautiful edward she told me she wanted to call him something fabulous like tarquin lol she was so funny. she always saw the best in people. I'm going to miss her updating her profile with pictures of her luke and edward every month as she loved taking pics of them all. It hurts when i think how such an amazing woman could be taken from this world who had her whole life ahead of her and had so much to live for it's just so unfair and i never thought this day would ever come. I hate so much that it has. I know toria wouldn't want me to be upset she'd want me to smile at memories of things she's said and done and also she'd be rooting for me to gain those extra 4kgs. as i know she was proud of me for how well i had done so fair. I'm always going to remember toria and will keep every message she has ever sent me. i will miss you so much toria you were so brave and fought so hard. Rest and breathe easy now and watch over us all. love you lot's From Jo xxxxxx

I added this picture of toria as it is one of my faves of her and was so proud of her when she done it.

Toria crossland 13/02/1985 - 22/10/2008 Forever in my thoughts R.I.P sweetie xxxx

having a break

2008-10-21T18:37:00.002+01:00

Am spending a few days with my mum as i've been really ill and it's taken alot out of me. So she's going to take care of me till i get my self back to my normal strength if i can. Been conctsntly thinking bout toria and i'm so upset bout the recent news that the docs can do nomore for her but make her comfortable. she's done so well to get as far as she has i just hope she keeps fighting for her friends and families sake. she got the teddy i sent her which made me a happy it's sitting on the end of her bed which is nice. i'm just hoping for a miracle now she's been a good friend of mine since we met 5 years a go at the chruchill and i couldn't stand the thought of losing such a fab person. xx hang in there hun love you lot's xxx

postive thoughts!

2008-10-16T11:33:00.002+01:00

After a few bad days of feeling really pants and down. I'm beggining to feel more positive. I sat down with my dad and told him how i'm feeling and how hard everyday is for me he said he understands and is going to speak to my brother about being more helpful.I think my dad finds it really hard to deal with as he said i'm his little baby and children aren't supposed to die first they should out live thier parents and he said it's his goal in life to get me through all of this and get me healhty with some nice new lungs. which was sweet and made me cry i think he nearly cried too lol. so now i'm just trying to get myself on track and chillout and take my time with things and not rush. :) I sent toria a get well bear today hopefully she will receieve it tomoz. I read on her wall on facebook that she had a visit from little baby edward which is fab she was aware enough to see him and ask for him. which i am taking as a good sign. Luke has been at her side constantly which is so sweet of him .

who am i?

2008-10-13T14:06:00.002+01:00

I feel so totally alone and lost i just wanna stay in bed and sleep and never get up again i've actually never felt this low before in my life and i hate it. I'm wishing i never went harefield as it's since then i've gone totally down hill with my mental state. I'm trying so hard to gain these last 4 kgs and i'm just getting so wound up and upset by it all. I'm contantsly waking up with headaches in the middle of the night at the and in the mornings that only go away after 15-20 mins of oxygen. So i'm starting to feel like i'm getting even worse and that i'm going to be relying on my oxygen alot more very soon. my appetite is not great at the moment. even withthe megace i'm struggling maybe it's cos my bodys readjusting to coming off the iv's maybe it's all stress dunno.

Had a huge row with my dad and brother last night again. I had gone upstairs to bed and forgot to remind my dad that my oxygen cylinder needed to be brought up by this time it was to late and he was in bed. So i asked my brother to get it for me and what happens i get shouted at as usual for asking for help. He was moaning about his foot cos last sunday he dropped a 40kg box on it and it's really swollen and he was going your such a annoying cow i've broken my bloody foot so this should be fun getting this stupid oxygen thing up the stairs. He won't go doctors about his foot so therefore i don't feel sorry for him and he doesn't even know if he's broken it my dad just said you should get it looked at incase it's broken my dad ain't a bloody doctor i swear my brother is a total useless moron.!!! anyway he brought it up and just dumped it in my room didn't bother putting it down and making sure it was safe and wouldn't fall over. Then what happens oh it falls over cos the idiot hadn't put it on the carpet properly. So my dad heard all the noise and got up and decided to have a go at me saying why do i alwasy do this? Do what? ask for my oxygen cylinder to be brought up? see when i get tired from tidying up or doing my washing i then get moaned at for tiring myself out and not asking for HELP!!! but again when i do ask for help i get shouted at then by my arsehole brother! I just feel like giving up i really do. I feel like i'm such a burden on everyone cos i need help every now and then. i kept trying to lift my oxygen cylinder up but guess what it's to heavy for me and cos i was getting all worked up abaout the fact that i couldn't get it up i started finding it hard to breath so there i am crying my eyes out struggling to breath not being able to get my oxygen cylinder up to have some oxygen and my dad and my brother just left me there. that really hurt the most. I ended up laying on the floor with my oxygen cylinder and managed to get it turned on so i could breath. after about 20mins i had calmed down and then spent half an hour trying to left it off the floor i dunno how the hell i done it but evenutally it managed to get it up and hurt my arm with my picc line in oh joy that's probably buggered now as it hurts like hell so thanks dad and my kind caring brother for being total twats!!!!

things can only get better right?

2008-10-10T14:18:00.002+01:00

Haven't written for a little while been away with the fairys and had loads on my mind. Had hospital yesterday as it was end of iv's thank god! they really knocked me for six it was a drug i hadn't had for ages so it's understandable why my body didn't like it. My lung function is upto 0.8 which i'm pleased about as it has been ages since it was that. My weight is upto 46kgs so only need 4 more to get to 50 and then i can ring harefield and go to the next stage of transplant assesement. My mum has been taking more time to help me now she came round wednesday and helped me tidy my room and hoovered it for me as it was taking me so long to do. i did all my washing but it really did tire me out! it's amzing the simplest things are such hard work! I need to try and calm down abit though as i'm stressing myself out by trying to do to much.
I'm feeling alot better in myself but keep waking up with these awful headaches that take ages to go or if i use my oxygen they go.
Cause i gained so much weight i decided to treat myself and buy a new phone. :)

I've been thinking alot about toria she's putting up such a strong fight and i'm so proud of her. she has so much to live for.

Had a good night monday i stayed at my bf's sorry he's now my ex again! he told me he wanted to be with me and see how things go. and then after monday he went all funny and quiet. then last night he decided to say he doesn't want a relationship but wants to be there for me. i just said why say you want a relationship to my face then. then he said cause i knew you wouldn't talk to me again if i told you the truth ARGH!!!!! last thing i needed was him messing with my head. But i'm gonna be strong and not let it phase me cause i'm doing so bloody well.

thinking of toria

2008-10-04T16:50:00.002+01:00

My friend toria who also has CF is very very ill at the moment and i am very very upset there is a good cance she won't make it but i'm so hoping she does. everytime something crap happens with my health she always tries to pick me up with her great comforting words. I have decided that to show her how much i'm thinking of her that i'm going to write on her facebook wall everyday till she is well enough to reply. I' sending all my positive vibes her way she'll get through this she's strong and a fighter. love you toria and thinking of you my sweet. big hugs and kisses to you and that goreause little boy of yours and big hugs to luke who i know is being such a great guy and staying by your side xxx

harefield yesteday and hospital today...

2008-10-02T18:06:00.002+01:00

Ok had harefield yesterday which was just basically the first meet and greet about transplant. It was a very long day which was to be expected lot's of tests and blood taken. met with the people there. I took my wheelchair thinking it was going to be all spread out but it's very close together all the departments which is good but it was still best as it was a long day. Anyway I did all tests by about half then me my mum and dad went and had some lunch my mum moaned the whole dy as everything was taking so long she wound me up and annoyed me but can't be bothered to write about that anymore cos it will just annoy me again let's just say i'm not talking to her at this moment in time! anyway so after lunch we went back to the clinic area and had to wait to see the registar who was very nice lol He asked bout my medication and just basic history then he dissapeared to talk to mr clarby He was also very nice and didn't sugar coat anythig was just very honest . My dad asked him if i could continue on these lungs for another 5 years and then have the transplant as you may not live after it or five years down the line but we'll see anyway he turned to me and said do you really wanna hear this and i said yes and he said there is over 50% chance of me not being hear in 2 years time. big shock my dad welled up but didn't cry i cried in the car on the way home but am ok bout it all now.

Had my mid iv's checkup today all is ok lost a little weight but that's cos i have been sick from them but i'll gain it back. had blood gases down to as i have been having headaches in the morning. and gotta go back next week for end of iv's YAY lol xx

bad night and bad day

2008-09-27T21:20:00.003+01:00

I had a awful night last night I had my mereopnuem and then had my gentamicin I then started to feel very sick and was trying so hard not to vomit. But unfortunately i couldn't help it and vomitted i felt even worse after. When my gentamicin had finished i decided to go to bed i slept pretty well but did keep waking every few hours. I woke up at half 6 and felt sick again so sat in the bathroom for a little while but luckily i didn't vomit. I then decided to go get my meds and a milkshake as i really wanted to keep eating but thought i'd give my tumy a rest and just have a fortisip which managed to stay down. I also found some sickness tablets. I did my iv's then decided to have another sleep as was feeling tired still. I woke up again about half 9 as the cat was meowing I felt so drained that i didn't want to get up so i banged on my brothers wall and asked hi to let the cat out which he did. I then fell back to sleep and woke again at 12ish. I was feeling hungry so went to get some thing to eat and decided to make a cappucino aswell as i alwasy have a bit more energy after one. as i was boiling the kettle i started to feel the familar pain in my right shoulder and then started to think oh no here we go so i went into the living room and sat down on the sofa the pain was going slighty So i decided to carry on making my cappucino but the pain had come back and was getting worse so i sat on the kitchen floor my dog kept coming over and trying to get my atention bless him. I thought i had it under control by taking deep breaths but then the pain started to move down my arm and chest and then i knew i couldn't stop it then i started burning up and sweat was dripping off of me i decided the only way to try and stay consicous was to lay on the kitchen floor after about 10mins i was starting to feel it fading it took me another 10 mins to get up off the floor. I continued doing what i had been doing the i went back upto bed. i did my 2 o clcok iv's then watched some tv downstairs and decided not to move as the pain ket coming back everytime i did something it seems to be ok now but am just taking it easy. I really wish someone knew what the hell it was cos it's so scary when it happens and it's so unpredictable for hen it's going to come on and the fact that i have no control over it when it does come. anyway am going to watch a bit of tv before my 10 o clock iv's hopefully i'll feel ok with these ones x

iv's again

2008-09-25T21:55:00.002+01:00

Well went to hospital today and my lung function was down a tiny bit more so am on iv's again on mereopnuem which haven't had for a long time so hopefully will do some good. also my bmi is up to 16.06 woooo i'm so happy and my weight is 46kgs it's the most i have ever weighed hehe. got to do my meds in a mo my bro has come to watch me as i haven't had it for a while so duno if it's gonna cause me to vomit or not we shall soon see am gonna spend the day with my mum tomoz as she has asked to see me. will miss my new laptop tho which i got yesterday thanks to my daddy yes i'm spoilt i'm the apple of his eye lol anyway must go and mix these drugs up clinovia come tomoz so won't have to mix them after the morning :) xx

Broken laptop

2008-09-24T12:16:00.003+01:00

So yesterday i broke my laptop not on purpose but by accident. I forgot to turn my anti virus on and about an hour later my laptop started getting these error messages i didn't think much of it at the time as i was about to turn it off. But then later that day when i went to use it again it wouldn't load windows xp up and kept blue screening so did a diagnostics test and it says the memory has failed whoops! so my dad is going to take it to pc world to seeif it can be saved i'm a bit guttd cos all my music and photots were on there : ( I was worried that i'd be left without any interent access but my dad kindly said i can use his comp when he's at work so here i am lol using it. I'm looking to see if i can get a laptop for 100 quid as i could prob afford that at the moment. anyway i shall still be ding my blogs when i can get on the comp . I have hospita tomoz as i'm probably going onto iv's my chest is being a bit more productive the past few days the little bugger argh! Also found out i have to have all my denal and vaccines up to dae for transplant eeeek! i hate dentists lol got my flu jab letter hrough today get one everyone year must be nearly flu season lol anyway will let everyone knowhow hospial goes tomoz xx

clinic today

2008-09-17T23:37:00.003+01:00

well I woke up and was dying for a cup of coffee but wasn't allowed one cosit had milk in doh! I wasn't allowed to eat either lol i was straving. I Arrived at hospital about half 9 and went to clinic i got weighed and was pleased to see my weight had gone up from 44.9 to 45.3 yay i'm over the 45 mark whoop whoop! anyway i then was sent to a room as we get put in our own rooms now to stop cross infection which i think is a good idea. So i was in the room and lisa the cf nurse was chatting to me asking how i was and stuff she put the oxygen sat machine on m finger and it said 81% I was like wow that's low so she took it off and said we'll do it again in a min.
She left then my fave physio anna came in as she was back yay! She was going through my physio and nebs i then gave her a sputum sample that i had done that morning when i woke up i always like to have one prepared lol. She then did the sat machine again and it said 94% i was happier with that :) I then did m lung function which was fev1 1.53 which was down a little from the finish of my last lot of iv's The other number was 0.5 i don't quite understand that one tho lol. After that we did some AD so that anna could check that my technic was ok she was pleased with it and just told me to breath out abit more gently i was doing it abit to forcefully!
After that it was time for my ultrasound so off i went with my dad to the x-ray department.
I thought i was going to have to wait for ages as i sometimes do lol but i was the only patient there and was called staright away i explained to the radiographer that they think there is possibly gall stones there. The radiographer put loads of cold gel on my tummy don't you jst hate that it's so cold argh lol! After that had finished i went back to clinic and saw the doctor he checked to see if the results from the scan were up yet as the radiographer said she'd put them up asap. But they weren't so he said he'd check again in abit we went through my medication and discussed my chest and that i should come up again next week to possibly start iv's depending on what my blood results say. He looked at my x-ray from a few weeks ago and said it don't look great but that's obviously cos of the cf but that it looked not to bad if that makes sense i got what he ment lol. He asked me about the pain i get and said it sounds more chest related and could possibly be plurasy however it's spelt lol But my dad's had that and the pain was constant whereas mine comes on at random times and lasts about 10 mins. I think there mind boggled lol
he checked the scans again for a report but it still wasn't up lol He then mentioned about having some bloods taken so i was like ok cool no probs and then i asked if lisa could do it as she's better then the woman in the blood lab lol she was fine with doing it and the doctor went to find her. the dietician came to seeme and i told her i'd upped my megace dose to 2 tablets cos i was feeling abit rubbish and she was fine with it and i can keep taking 2 but just gotta keep an eye on my blood sugars. also down to 5 creon with a meal instead of 6. After that i went to the treament centre so lisa could take some blood my veins were being naughty and it took 4 attempts but we got there eveuntually lol. Then it was off home well i say home i went asda to get some more popcorn then to boots to put my prescription in then home to a cup of tea and a nap lol now am just taking it easy and reflecting on the day i'm very pleased how it all went oh i forgot to mention i do have gall stones but there quite small so are possibly not the cause of the pain but i'm going to get reffered to see someone about it :) x

Anger!

2008-09-17T23:37:00.002+01:00

I feel so angry today i just wanna scream every little thing is annoying me at the moment. It's really frustrating. ARGH! I honestly don't know why i'm feeling so angry I gues si'm just feeling like a useless waste of space at the moment what purpose do i have? I can't do anything good i can bearly do anything I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My ppoor dad keeps asking me whats wrong and i just burst into tears cos i just don't know anymore i feel like i'm losing myself Maybe i need my anti depressants uped i don't know will ask the hospital tomoz when i see them well i should really try and get some sleep now night night will let everyone know what happens tomoz x

Feeling a little down

2008-09-16T19:12:00.002+01:00

Had a chilled weekend but noticed my chest is playing up again so i'm guessing a lovely bug has decided to make an appearance. I have clinic Thursday so will see what my blows are hopefully they'll be ok but the way my chest is i am doubting it. My appetite isn't as good as it has been i'm still taking my megacce so am still eating more then i would if i wasn't which is good. Got my ultrasound wednesday i hope they'll tell me on the day if i have gall stones or not just to give me a piece of mind.

There is this guy on the cf forum who went for transplant assesement but was told he can't go on the list cos he has a fungus ball It's something called aspergilloma which can affect people with cystic fibrosis and who have had lung problems it get's into the lung cavity and it can't be detected by the immune system cos the immune system can't fight it cos it can't get into the lung cavaity the immune system that is. It worries me cos of the infections i've had have really scarred m lungs which make it easier to catch it. You also have to keep away from birds poo, compost heaps, rotten vegtables, dead leaves. I really feel for the guy who has it I dunno what he must be feeling right now it's just so unfair on him.

I had a argument with my ex best mate last night cos she just won't leave her ex who's my best mate alone it's annoying. She then decided to do the whole the world has to revolve around you Jo just cos of your stupid illness and that i want everyone to feel sorry for me . It really annoyed me cos i hardly ever moan about anything i do my best and get on with it. Half the time my parents tell me i've got a infection cos i don't like to complain! They can just tell by the difference in me i eat less and sleep loads and also cough heaps. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me yes Cf is a horrible illness not the easiest thing to live with either But still don't want people feeling sorry for me like when people used to say to ou should give up smoking cos of my cough i would just simply say i'm coughing cos i have Cf and smile. Then they'd turn round and say oh you poor thing the smile would soon go off my face! THING? i'm not a thing i'm a person who just happens to have a nasty illness I'm the same as everyone else not an alien or monster jeez!
My ex best mate never understood cos all her problems were self inflicted she used to do coke and drink every chance she had which was everyday that's why she was always ill. and she wonders why i didn't wanna know. I'm just so annoyed cos i don't ask for alot of help i try as much as possible to do stuff on my own. anyway i'm getting a headache from this comp now so gonna go have a nice bath to relax me x

a day with the lady i call mum lol

2008-09-12T16:32:00.002+01:00

I was supposed to go round yesterday but had slpet badly the night before so decided to just have a day of rest. I woke up at half 6 this morning had my breakfast then got washed and dressed. I am starting to think i need to buy bigger jeans as these ones are digging into my hips argh! Although i am happy i am gaining weight it's just a pain when i throw all my size 8 jeans away thinking i'd never fit into them again. I weigh 7stone 3pounds i have'nt weighed this much for nearly 3 years i'm so pleased with myself. I got to my mum's house at 8 this morning and her and ian (her fiancee) were playing tennis on the wii i always laugh when they both play togther as ian is such a bad loser it's hilarious. After she'd finished the game my mum made us all a nice cuppa tea and we had a little chat bout how i had been. Ian then went to bed as he had worked the night before so was tired. Me and my mum chilled out and watched telly and chatted away about my possibly having gall stones and how i would feel if i do have them. I told her in away i'll be relevied as it then means the pain is not connected to my right lung which is what has me worried the most but at the same time a little scared as i am meeting harefield soon to dicuss transplant list and getting on it and i don't want this to get in the way of it. And also the prospect of having my gallbladder taken out doesn't exactly make me happy but guess if it is needed it has to go! I think it depends on how big the stones are and stuff we'll soon find out next thrsday after my ultra sound.

My mum's fiancee uses his wii fit everyday and always likes to be top of the score boards tables so my mum said to me today that i have to beat his scores on all the games and guess who is now top on EVERYTHING? muhahhahahahaha! I beat all of his scores he was not happy he said he is gonna reset the machine hahahaha such a bad loser! I also got my mum to play the wii fit aswell she refused to get on it cos it has to weigh you and she didn't wanna know how heavy she was i kept telling her she isn't going to be as heavy as she thinks she is. She wasn't as heavy as she thought as i had told her so she was happy about that. she seems to be a bit addicted to it now lol am now sat with her watching some pants cooking show lol. Am off back to my dads at about quarter to 6 as he is picking me up on his way home from work really fancy a cuppa tea lol oh and i ate a 15 pack of doughnuts today hahahaha go me :P x

been 5days

2008-09-10T17:56:00.002+01:00

It's been 5 days since my last post Just been taking it easy as have been having my chest pain again a few times this week. It is now possible that i could have gall stones as the syptoms seem to be very much a like that of gall stones. I will find out either next week or the week after i am due my ultrasound next week. If it is that it can then hopefully be treated with medication and hopefully without needing a operation.

On a good note i did get my wii fit last friday it's great i love it i try to do at least 20 mins everyday which is tiring but it's excersise. Am gonna spend the day with my mum tomoz as am feeling a little isolated and lonely cos i don't wanna go out anywhere incase i get the chest pain again which can come on at anytime grrr! I hope this won't affect my chance of getting on the transplant list? I would be very upset if it does. My poor body is suffering at the moment But i'm trying to keep my chin up no matter how hard and frustrating it is. I refuse to cry in front of my family tho as i don't want them to see me breakdown. must stay strong lol. which is bloody hard when your depressed. eeeek!

I dyed my hair back to black again as i really had gone off the purple lol so have black hair again woooo! I think i've had a bit of a reaction to the hair dye aswell as my skin on my face has gone all dry whoops i shall be leaving my hair alone for a while i think lol. x

Why is CF so bloody horrible!

2008-09-05T23:16:00.003+01:00

On the Cf forum somebody had posted about lung function and babies I always wanted a baby from the age of 16 up until the age of 21. But the past few months that all changed again and i realised how much i would love to be a mummy! The post just made me think how awful CF truly is although people with CF have had babies sometimes it's cost them there health and lung function. It's such an unfair illness it really is. I just wish there was someway of everyone being cured of it!

I've also been thinking bout my harefield appointment aswell as it is under a month to go. I am really hoping they will find out what this pain is that i get in my right lung I got it again yesterday and normally it's painful but not as painful as yesterday it had actually got to the point where i wanted to scream and cry But was trying to stay conscious as it makes me want to faint It's so hard to keep my self conscious tho i also burn up really badly i was soaked when i eventually felt ok! It really scares me it's now at the point where i don't wanna go out I did my shopping online yesterday so i didn't have to walk round as i was to scared it would happen in the shops as it has before i felt so embrassed as i was sitting on the floor of halfords soaking wet cos of how i'd burnt up and trying not to faint and my poor dad was standing there not knowing what to do. I'm just worried that is something bad as it is hapening more frequently. I was told at my hospital that it was due to bad infection but my chest has been really good since my last lot of iv's so i really doubt it's that plus am doing all my physio and meds i just don't know. I really hope harefield put my on the list for new lungs.

I got my wii fit today which is a belated birthday gift from my brother. It's really fun and addictive but I have to take it easy as think i over done it today as i'm so tired.

weekend

2008-09-01T21:12:00.003+01:00

Had a pretty quiet and chilled weekend saturday spent it chilling and watching tv and eating and then sunday went round my mum's for some dinner she made chicken korma YUMMY! Then today i went round there again to spend the day was quite boring for awhile lol mainly cos i was tired but had a little sleep on the sofa and was wide awake after. She had to go docs and a parcel for my step-dad was coming that was for his birthday which was last monday lol it was from me though. Got him a big box of childhood memory sweets as he loves sweets. Me and my mum played tennis on the wii I beat her twice and then she kept winning which was very annoying lol. I then challenged he to bowling which i won at first then she got 9 strikes in a row!!!! so i just gave up lol!

My dad picked me up on his way home from work then we got mcdonalds. I then had a hot bath and now am just chilling out till big brother is on :)

purple hair

2008-08-29T17:57:00.002+01:00

Ok so i've been trying to dye my hair back to blonde for the past week. It hasn't gone so well and my hair just kept turning orange so last night whilst shoppping at asda i thought ya know what i'm going to go for a totally different colour. I then bout a colour called cyber purple I really like it it's not to bright well i don't think it is anyway lol but it looks funky :D

I have been chilling and sleeping alot today aswell not feeling to great dunno why think it's just the weather. Haven't done any housework today thought my brother would get off his back side and do it but he didn't bother what a surprise! you'd think he had CF he's that lazy! Anyway thinking of getting a mcdonalds for dinner tonight don't really feel like cooking. Was supposed to have a phone call from the pharmacy this week saying that my vitamin e was in but they haven't called it's been over a week now. For some reason this vitamin e is always so hard to get in must come from a different country. I guess. Also need to ring up the hospital about my appointments got the second part f my annual review on the 25th they said and have had a letter through for a ultr sound for the 18th of September which is so not convenient as it will end up with me going hospital 3 weeks in a row as the 1st of oct is my harefield appointment . so gonna see if the ultrasound can be put to the same day as the rest of my annual review.

I aslo need to mention about something that is supposedly in my notes that says i have been missing appointments ????? I was fuming when my GP mentioned this to my mum she explained i have never missed a appointment. 1 time i turned up at clinic and was told i wasn't supposed to be there that day and was supposed to have been in the week before to which i then pulled out a letter stating the date of the day that i was there and i was right to have turned up on the day i did. Also the other time was when it was heavily snowing now even though it was really bad i still turned up to my appointment but guess what? The nurses and doctors hadn't come in cos of the snow! Really has annoyed me cos now i'm worried harefiled will bring it up and ask why i misssed appointments grrr!

Bad dreams!

2008-08-27T23:53:00.003+01:00

I keep having really weird and bad dreams. Last night i dreamt that my cat barley was sitting at the back door waiting to come in.(this may not seem bad except my cat Barley is dead) I turned to my dad and said Barley wants to come in can i let him in please. My dad then said Barley is dead how can he be at the door. I then shouted it's him it's him . I then opened the door ran in the garden and picked him up He wriggled out of my arms as he always used to when he was alive. He was bobbing his little head around and rubbing all around my legs like he used to do and making silly little meow noises. The dream then turned to me and 2 friends back in school with a teacher who i hated called mr robinson. We had to write details about ourself down like age , date of birth, full name things like that, For some reason i couldn't write in a straight line and kept getting told off for it. Then i started having a funny turn and my mum came running into the class room and felt my head and said she's had to much creon! she then got me a coke that was in a mcdonalds cup. The dream then turned into me and my dad sitting in a car and on my lap was Barley again all curled up asleep. At this point i woke up. I keep having dreams similar to this allot recently and it's really messing me up during the day. Today i moped around all day thinking of Barley and how much i miss him. And wished he was back with me.

I even have dreams about having a lung transplant and then dying. Dunno why though because the thought of a transplant doesn't scare me.

My dad says it's my anti-depressants as his did the same to him. But i won't stop taking them cause they do keep me calmer then if i wasn't on them. I'm more controlled on them I don't have massive rows with people anymore i just keep quiet. My cf nurse Cass wants me to see a councilor that they have at clinic but i dunno i'm not the kind of person that will open up to people face to face if that makes sense. On here i can open up cos i'm not sitting in front of anyone it's very strange. My dad actually told me off today as i have been pushing myself abit to much recently I have got in the habit of tidying up everyday and all the time and it's really taking it out of me by the end of the day. So he's just worried that i'm gonna make myself ill again. As it is i have a cold sore under my nose which apparently is a sign of being run down. and got a very irrated cough at the moment which i'm finding annoying. And have also been getting the pain in my right lung again that makes me want to pass out. No one can still tell me what this is so hopefully harefield will be able to. Plus i have sore eyes dunno if cos of the hair dye or what but on my eyelids it looks burnt it's very red and sore. anyways i'm exhausted and need some sleep so think it's time to go to bed hopefully i won't have anymore awful dreams x

Really really annoyed......!!!!

2008-08-26T23:49:00.002+01:00

I am so angry today. I've found out that one of my close mates has been having trouble with his ex again she's taken all his mates away and turning them against him which is not on. Also this ex of his used to be one of my best friends but cos my health got so bad to the point i stopped going out alot she called me a boring cow so i fell out with her and cos the way she treated my mate anyway Now found out that she is going to a birthday night out that i was invited to and that my other best mate is going to really think this is gonna turn out bad against me. Already don't have a lotof friends because i became "BORING" I'm far from bloody boring i'm just ill and unable to do the things i enjoy but i'd rather be able to breath then try and do the things i like and risk my health it's not worht it and you know what? If people cant god damn understand that then there totally not worth being my bloody friends.

Also my ex boyfriend is trying to mess with my head again by saying how he supposedly luvs the way i drive him up the wall and out of his mind! I said to him that's the kind of thing you say to someone you love. He then never replied then i heard from him the other day and he was like i've been thinking bout what you said and still am thinking bout it. So i gave him a ultimatium by 6pm today he had to decide what he wanted and if i didn't hear from him that would be it i would be gone for good and he'd never have a chance to be with me again. I didn't hear from him so now that'd it. As much as it hurts me to say it i can't keep going round in a circle 3 bloody years this has been going on it's time to put a stop to it. I have so much more important things to think about and put my heart into.

*The Life Of MissJo*