why do i bother?

Had a lovely time at my mum's this past week. But i came home to find my yogurt drink gone well one of them big yop ones they were. Then i checked the cupboards for my raviolli and spagethetti hoops and found them all gone even my carabonara sauce had gone i was not happy and the fact i have no money is annoying i bought myself some new pj's and other bits and bobs thinking that my food would all still be there but no argh! He has also eaten all the chicken nuggets there was 5 packs in the freezer my dad was fuming. then I came on to my laptop t find the battery totally flat and my sweets on my comp desk eaten i again am fuming. the boy has no god dam respect! He don't work cos he's to lazy just sits on his fat arse all day playing his comp. dunno what his problem is. he owes me 40 pound anyway for a game i got for him on my card last month grrrrr! i don't expect to see that. he is just useless does no housework or nothing just eats sleeps and plays his comp fed up with it he neds to grow the hell up he is 26 not 5. so yeah anyway just had to do a asda shop online with whateva money i had left so now am skint for 2 weeks great! sorry to moan just hate coming home to this all the time. if he put his hand in his pocket and paid rent or any money then fine but he don't.

sorry no can do...

So let's talk ex boyfriends lol mine has been in contact with me again and guess what he did this whole we should be together rubbish and that wait for it.... he wants to settle down with me well the history with my ex is as follows.

we met new years eve 2005/06 in a night club he was chatting to my mate trying to set his mate up with her and i went over thinking he was bugging her lol and did my your in my seat bit lol (he was) anyway he got up and i sat down then he started talking to me asking if i would get my mate to chat to his mate i said well get your mate to come over then. So he did they chatted and then i started chatting to him he asked me to get up and dance but it was drum and bass music which ain't my cup of tea lol. so i said nah my feet hurt so he danced and i just laughed he danced so badly anyway i stood up and started chatting to him and commented on his rings he had on he took one off and let me try it on and this is the sad part i put it on my wedding finger and said o look now were married lol i was drunk! anyway he found it funny lol i said i was keeping it and he was like nooo and i said yes mine and stuck it down my top now back in those days i was a tease and said if you want it come and get it he didn't though think he knew i'd of slapped him lol. i gave it back in the end then we sat down and chatted and i said aren't you going to ask for my number then. He was like what ya gonna let me have it i said yeah of course so we swapped numbers. Then my mate said she was going toilets so i went with her. on the way back someone grabbed my hand and it was the guy i had spoke to i just turned and smiled and carried on back to my seat. the music was still pants so me and my mate decided to leave and at the same time the guy and his mate had aswell. we were waiting for our lift home when my phone started ringing so i answered it and it was the guy he said you never gave me a kiss lol i said i never kiss when i first meet someone (lies lol) anyway he said come here and i said where are ya he was down the road and i said nah i'm going home now our lift had turned up. So home i went.
he text me til 5am that morning.

He text me again the next day and we decided to meet up so he joined me and my mates for a walk at the woods but i said it was to cold and we went and sat in his car and chatted and we had our first kiss. from then on we were a couple till i got cold feet 2 weeks later.

Then i got back with him a week after we split then i got cold feet again lol. Then he was like who was the guy running after you up the cinema valentines day. I was like oh that was my mate rob and if you looked properly there was a big group of us not just me and him.

anyway i didn't speak to him for a few months and then realised i had missed him loads so i text him and asked how he was. he didn't reply so thought he had chnaged his number.
the next day he replied saying is this Jo if it is please text back. So i did and we agreed to meet up that evening we went and sat by a lake and chatted i told him what had been going on aka my mum leaving etc. and he was nice about it i told him i'd missed him and he said the same then we had a nice cuddle. he seemed abit put out cos some rowers kept whislting at me cos i had my tiny denim shorts on well it was bloody hot lol. anyway we decided to try again.
we stayed together for a month this time then one night he picked me up from a night out and i was very very drunk lol and we had a argument yes i started it but he didn't exactly help.
he ignored me for 3 days after that when he did reply he said he had dropped his phone down the toilet???

we ended it again. for the next year and a half it was on and off he kept dumping me. and me being vulnerable i kept going back. anyway after this he turned and said i want us to live togther so me being me and madly in love with him i said yes. and i started looking for houses. Then one day i got a email saying he'd joined facebook and so i looked at his profile and it said he was in a relationship and there was a message from a girl on there saying smile babes xxxxxxxx. my heart just dropped!!! I text him and said tell me it's not true he said his brother had set it up and made a mistake and that he was still single. then i found out from my then best friend he was living with his brother and the girl who he said wasn't his gf but she was. i wanted to scream again betrayed.

after that i saw never to go back but i did when he finally split with the girl cos she apparently followed him round like a lost puppy dog lol. I decided to work my charm and see if i could still get my way with him and yes it worked. so again we have been on and off on and off. Then november he moved nearer to where i live and where my mum lives he is pretty much round the corner anyway. so we tried one last time and he refused to say he loved me so i said nah this is bullshit. he would just be a twat the next day. and he did exactly that.

Then monday just gone he said he wanted us to settle down together and i said i am so unsure why me and why now? why not before? and then i said could you be the man i need right now? someone who will be patient and understand that i am ill most of the time and can't do normal things. And that he can't just leave when everything is going wrong with my health. and that i need stabilty. He said he could be all these things but i don't think he can. so it's been on my mind the past few days me thinking should i shouldn't i. And today i made my decision I can't put myself through any of that again. If it never worked all those times before then it won't work now. I have broken that spell and don't feel the way i did towards him anymore. I've in a way grown up my health is my number priority right now. And men will always be there after my transplant. I just refuse to put myself through anymore hurt and pain and being let down. cos i know he will time and time again he will never change. But i have. So sorry no can do!

Anyway other then that not much to report my mum dyed my hair yesterday and today just been relaxing my cold is clearing now just need to get as much gunk of my chest as i can bought loads of vitamins today. not doing a feed tonight think the ensure stuff makes me feel sick. maybe i have a intolerance to it. will speak to my dietician. I think i'm struggling with my weight again cos all the pressure has been put back on my shoulders which isn't good cos it's constantly on my mind argh!!!! my mum has the hump cos i'm not doing a feed but i am full up so doing a feed is just going to make me wanna feel sick.

Feeds= headache lol

Yes i am having great fun with my feeds .....NOT! so have decided no more big feeds for me just gonna have the small one every now and then although Victoria made a very good suggestion on the cf forum. about having a little feed in the afternoon and a little one before bed i like this idea :)

My mum is not happy that I'm lowering my feed but as i said to her right now a big feed is doing more harm then good i am feeling sick from the amount and therefore not eating anything which is very very very bad. So instead of giving up all together which last night i was seriously considering but then decided no i shall try small feeds i mean one carton has 400 calories in it so that's better then nothing really i'd say. maybe if it goes well i'll have 3 small feeds a day then that way that's what...........1200 calories plus whateva i eat on top of that so again better then not having any feeds. My dad is happy for me to try this. I think my mum is just worried cos she really wants me on the tx list bless her i want it to but can't rush the weight on. Just need to relax and take each day as it comes. :) at least the hard part is down and the peg is in. and now that it is pain free wohooo even better lol. Just been told not to play with it or i'll get it infected yes i like to play with it lol your supposed to rotate it once a day but me being well me lol i like to do it twice which i've been told not to do or i'll make it sore i like the sensation of it going round hahaha. yesterday when i rotated it ian my mum's fiancee played dead or alive you spin me right round it was hilarious lol.

well my lovely mummy bout me some perfect 10 hair dye yesterday as her work were selling it off for a pound a box result so she got me 2 boxes she's gonna do one for me sometime this week :) going down the tip later as it's away of getting out the house lol anyway gonna chat to my mummy and have a cup of tea :) xx

So this is me...

OK OK I admit it I am hard work i get the hump at the smallest things and i hate CF but then again who doesn't. But I have been doing alot of thinking over the weekend. And wait for it....
I have decided to change and be a new me Yes that's right a new me!!!
It won't be easy and i know i'm going to keep having good and bad days but i just need to try and deal with it all in a better way then i have done in the past.

I'm not the person i used to be the happy go lucky girl that had no cares in the world like i was a good 3 years a go and i always apologised to myself for that and then last night i thought why do i apologise for it? I shouldn't i have changed that's life that's what happens you never stay the same forever! so yes it hit me last night i have chnaged i am still me but different to the me before. My health and family come first in my life now and that's something i have always put second i know they say put your self first but mine was always in selfish ways not in the good ways it should of been so as of today i shall put family and health first. :) and i will look back at my past and smile and laugh at the stupid and pretty amazing things i did. But i now look to my future and what that holds who knows I strongly believe it holds some new lungs lol and so does my mummy!

But i promise to all those i love and care about that i am changing and i am becoming stronger and more determined to survive and not let CF beat me. It won't win and it won't make me a nasty person that's hard to live with which it started to do lol :)

anyway feeds are being a bit blah at the moment finding them hard but just had a thought. If i do big feeds everyother night and then the night i don't do big feeds i do a small one so that at least that way i'm still getting something. instead of making myself feel sick blergh!
Still suffering with my cold and now my poor dad appears to have a tummy bug eeek! bless him he is so sweet he is trying to keep away from me i did explain that if i am gonna get it i'll get it cos we live in the same house but hopefully should be going to my mum's tomoz might help me not catch it. bless him he's all tucked up in bed now with the dog and cat nursing him lol. well Dave won't nurse him he will just annoy him by trying to play with a toy.

done the funnist thing to my mum on facebook today she hates the man from the safe style adverts the buy one get one free so i put a pic up and tagged her in it of him haahahaha! think i mght be disowned eeek! anyway my lovelys i am off to get some lemsip mmm!

it's all gone to the lungs!

As the title says my cold has left and now is sitting on my lungs argh! I am really struggling to breath today done physio and hypertonice saline and nope not worked done colomycin aswell but this hasn't helped neither have my inhalers! pretty peed off :( didn't need this. having O2 at the mo nearly run out though as i have been given leaky caninsters how stupid is that? and i cant get anymore till monday grrr! so am nearly out of o2 great the only thing that is helping a little bit. stupid cold stupid lungs blah!

on a good note i had a big feed last nght had 800mls and it went fine also had lunch and some dinner so eating pretty ok. anyway i must go laydown and sulk some more as these lungs just are annoying also keep getting that sholuder pain again argh! so am not having a great time poo!

thinking

Wel been in bed all day cos of this cold and did some feed. But cos i've had time to think i was thinking bout something my mum said yesterday. she told me to take each day as it comes so i'm gonna do that. gonna just relax and take it as it comes and however long it takes to gain weight i will get there in the end though i know that :) anyway need to go have my physio and nebs now :)

clinic, and colds boo!

Well last nights sleep was awful i struggled to fall asleep as kept coughing and having to blow my nose as it was like a tap running GRRR! Then cos of all the coughing i started to feel sick from my feed so stopped it for a little while then started it again and eveuntually fell asleep. I woke up at about half 7 cos my cat was meowing to get into my dad's room he does this every time argh! then my dad came down and was sorting himself out for work then my brother came down and decided to be really noisy. I wasn't impressed as felt like hell when i woke up. had clinic today was bit nervous as they wanted to turn my peg and i thought it would hurt.
My lf is down a tiny bit and so is my weight i got a bit upset but was told not to worry as the peg is going to take time. Plus this cold isn't helping. they cleaned my peg (piglet) and then tunred it i did't feel anything. but can now have a nice deep bath yay. anyways i am going to finish my lemsip off and hopefully it will help shift this stupid cold xx

peg name change..

Well have been doing loads of thinking and thought my peg should be named after something that will remind me of toria as she always went on at me to get one and said how great they are. Even though i refused lol. But when the time came for me to make the decision i feel like she was pushing me to go for it so i did. You knw when you can hear someone talking to you someone who's passed away yes sounds so weird but i have had many experiences like this. anyway i have decided to call it Piglet as it was one of the last things she wrote on her blog and she said a peg would make me a piglet lol. so the peg is piglet :).

It would of been toria's 24th birthday today hope whereever she is she is celebrating with her sexy shoes on hehe. It's very sad though as i know with all the snow we've had she would of had such a ball with edward tedward playing in it. miss you toria. x

I went watford today with my mum's bf as he needed to collect a new thing for his car. he went in pub with the guy and his missus i wanted to stay in the car as the place looked really posh and snobby ans guess what it was haha they weren't in the pub long hahaha! one of those places were you feel out of place apparently.
Then went asda to get some pizzas that they make fresh mmmm! and then got some hair dye wooo!

Piglet was a bit crusty when i woke up so gave it a good old clean. i like to clean it twice a day hehe. my feed last night didn't go so well as after just 2 hours i vomitted :( turns out it was cos i ate a big mac and apple 2 hours before feed was due whoops! so now am having big meal at lunch time and little meal at dinner. also ordered myself some more clothes lol well think i deserve it for being good and staying in hospital for a week without complaing about going home lol. :D

they say never look back

But i can't help it. My friends have all dissapeared. I am alone pretty much everyday my dad works and my lazy arse brother sleeps all day. my mum works nights so is asleep in the day i am really hating life right now. they always say there's someone worse off then you but right now doesn't feel like it. Songs that i used to dance to keep comig on and it really upsets me cos i think about when i used to go out clubbing all the time and now i hardly leave the house cos of these stupid lungs. I can't walk round anywhere anymore just feel useless. So much needs to be done in the house i need to sort all my comp desk out as it's just full of crap and i have loads of washing to do but can't go and get it cos just feel tired all the time. i dunno anymore I sort of wish i was back in hopsital cos i got help like even tho the food was shite it was cooke for me and i didn't have to worry bout fannying around cooking but now i'm back home i have all that to worry about again. I haven't eaten anything today cos i'm so exhausted and just don't wanna move and i can't rely just on my night feeds either. ARGH! why is life so unfair i can't stop crying. my phone hardly ever bleeps anymore the only people that text me are my family :(

Babs

So am finally out of hospital was there for a week eeeek! I also have my peg in now which i have named Babs lol It is still quite painful it hurts to sneeze and cough and blow my nose but feeding wise it's good. I had my biggest feed last night which was good finished dead on 8 this morning. When i was in hopsital again i had fight for a room on the chest ward really getting annoyed at doing this now. but i got one in the end cos i said i won't stay in if i don't have my own room and bathroom this may sound divaish but i was always told cf's get there own rooms with bathrooms to stop them getting more infections etc! But now it seems that has chnaged. although when you go cf clinic your shoved into your own room or when you go to the treatment centre your put in a side room so it don't make sense. they wanted me on a ward with loads of other chest patients which ment quite a walk to the bathroom which again annoyed me i was struggling to breath let alone walk to the bathroom.

After my op i felt very crap as they had for some reason upped my oxygen to 10 litres Jesus my sats were at 98% and i had a awful headache they kept saying it was the anastetic but it has never affected me like that so knew it was the oxygen i asked them to turn it down and after a while my headache started to fade thank god flet like my head was going to explode! I went back to my room and my mum and dad were waiting i was so hungry as hadn't eaten all day and it was about 6pm so thought o great food but then was told i couldn't eat for another 6 hours! i was gutted.

I also saw alan rickman the actor when i was waiting for my op he was visting a relative.

anyway sorry for short blog but my mum is moaning as she wants to dry my hair lol