Friday, 29 August 2008

purple hair

Ok so i've been trying to dye my hair back to blonde for the past week. It hasn't gone so well and my hair just kept turning orange so last night whilst shoppping at asda i thought ya know what i'm going to go for a totally different colour. I then bout a colour called cyber purple I really like it it's not to bright well i don't think it is anyway lol but it looks funky :D

I have been chilling and sleeping alot today aswell not feeling to great dunno why think it's just the weather. Haven't done any housework today thought my brother would get off his back side and do it but he didn't bother what a surprise! you'd think he had CF he's that lazy! Anyway thinking of getting a mcdonalds for dinner tonight don't really feel like cooking. Was supposed to have a phone call from the pharmacy this week saying that my vitamin e was in but they haven't called it's been over a week now. For some reason this vitamin e is always so hard to get in must come from a different country. I guess. Also need to ring up the hospital about my appointments got the second part f my annual review on the 25th they said and have had a letter through for a ultr sound for the 18th of September which is so not convenient as it will end up with me going hospital 3 weeks in a row as the 1st of oct is my harefield appointment . so gonna see if the ultrasound can be put to the same day as the rest of my annual review.

I aslo need to mention about something that is supposedly in my notes that says i have been missing appointments ????? I was fuming when my GP mentioned this to my mum she explained i have never missed a appointment. 1 time i turned up at clinic and was told i wasn't supposed to be there that day and was supposed to have been in the week before to which i then pulled out a letter stating the date of the day that i was there and i was right to have turned up on the day i did. Also the other time was when it was heavily snowing now even though it was really bad i still turned up to my appointment but guess what? The nurses and doctors hadn't come in cos of the snow! Really has annoyed me cos now i'm worried harefiled will bring it up and ask why i misssed appointments grrr!

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Bad dreams!

I keep having really weird and bad dreams. Last night i dreamt that my cat barley was sitting at the back door waiting to come in.(this may not seem bad except my cat Barley is dead) I turned to my dad and said Barley wants to come in can i let him in please. My dad then said Barley is dead how can he be at the door. I then shouted it's him it's him . I then opened the door ran in the garden and picked him up He wriggled out of my arms as he always used to when he was alive. He was bobbing his little head around and rubbing all around my legs like he used to do and making silly little meow noises. The dream then turned to me and 2 friends back in school with a teacher who i hated called mr robinson. We had to write details about ourself down like age , date of birth, full name things like that, For some reason i couldn't write in a straight line and kept getting told off for it. Then i started having a funny turn and my mum came running into the class room and felt my head and said she's had to much creon! she then got me a coke that was in a mcdonalds cup. The dream then turned into me and my dad sitting in a car and on my lap was Barley again all curled up asleep. At this point i woke up. I keep having dreams similar to this allot recently and it's really messing me up during the day. Today i moped around all day thinking of Barley and how much i miss him. And wished he was back with me.

I even have dreams about having a lung transplant and then dying. Dunno why though because the thought of a transplant doesn't scare me.

My dad says it's my anti-depressants as his did the same to him. But i won't stop taking them cause they do keep me calmer then if i wasn't on them. I'm more controlled on them I don't have massive rows with people anymore i just keep quiet. My cf nurse Cass wants me to see a councilor that they have at clinic but i dunno i'm not the kind of person that will open up to people face to face if that makes sense. On here i can open up cos i'm not sitting in front of anyone it's very strange. My dad actually told me off today as i have been pushing myself abit to much recently I have got in the habit of tidying up everyday and all the time and it's really taking it out of me by the end of the day. So he's just worried that i'm gonna make myself ill again. As it is i have a cold sore under my nose which apparently is a sign of being run down. and got a very irrated cough at the moment which i'm finding annoying. And have also been getting the pain in my right lung again that makes me want to pass out. No one can still tell me what this is so hopefully harefield will be able to. Plus i have sore eyes dunno if cos of the hair dye or what but on my eyelids it looks burnt it's very red and sore. anyways i'm exhausted and need some sleep so think it's time to go to bed hopefully i won't have anymore awful dreams x

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Really really annoyed......!!!!

I am so angry today. I've found out that one of my close mates has been having trouble with his ex again she's taken all his mates away and turning them against him which is not on. Also this ex of his used to be one of my best friends but cos my health got so bad to the point i stopped going out alot she called me a boring cow so i fell out with her and cos the way she treated my mate anyway Now found out that she is going to a birthday night out that i was invited to and that my other best mate is going to really think this is gonna turn out bad against me. Already don't have a lotof friends because i became "BORING" I'm far from bloody boring i'm just ill and unable to do the things i enjoy but i'd rather be able to breath then try and do the things i like and risk my health it's not worht it and you know what? If people cant god damn understand that then there totally not worth being my bloody friends.

Also my ex boyfriend is trying to mess with my head again by saying how he supposedly luvs the way i drive him up the wall and out of his mind! I said to him that's the kind of thing you say to someone you love. He then never replied then i heard from him the other day and he was like i've been thinking bout what you said and still am thinking bout it. So i gave him a ultimatium by 6pm today he had to decide what he wanted and if i didn't hear from him that would be it i would be gone for good and he'd never have a chance to be with me again. I didn't hear from him so now that'd it. As much as it hurts me to say it i can't keep going round in a circle 3 bloody years this has been going on it's time to put a stop to it. I have so much more important things to think about and put my heart into.

Monday, 25 August 2008

Bad hair

Well friday i went shopping and bought some hair dye i had decided to go blonde again. Saturday i decided to actually dye it and it turned bright orange eeeeek! luckily i had another box of blonde so popped that on later that day again it stayed orange. My dad bought me some ore the next day and i dyed it again it still stayed orangey. then my last resort was to put light brown over it well it didn't go brown more of a golden blonde with hints of ginger in it lol Gonna leave it for a while now as it will really damage my hair if i put anymore on. Plus would rathe rhave this colour hair then none at all hehex

Friday, 22 August 2008

chilled out

Today has been a very chilled day well till now that is lol. Woke up at 10 had some breakfast and a cappuccino then chilled out and played with dave and his pull toy. then Inky came and joined us so i decided to brush them both and wiped there coats down with dog and cat coat wipes so they smelt nice and clean lol. Inky loved it bless him. After that i had a hours nap then got up and did some house work i did the dish washer and then cleaned the floor it took me ages as i can't stand up and use the mop so was sat on the floor using a sponge lol. After that i emptied the dishwasher and then chilled out and had some lunch and watched hancock i love that film. when my dad came home from work i got my self sorted and we took my bro to work then poppped to asda to get some more food. It's actually getting harder to get around now swear my lungs are worse but that's to be expected just gotta deal with it. Anyway i am off to watch the tudors bye x

Thursday, 21 August 2008

I really don't like wasps!!!

Woke up at half 9 this morning and had some breakfast my normal mini wheatabixs with banana in them yummy and a cappuccino. i went and sat back in bed and watched some telly. I heard a wasp fly in the window so wasn't to bothered as i thought he couldn't get through the blinds but guess what? he bloody did i wasn't happy he then kept landing on my pillow at this point i was out of the bed like a shot. it eventually flew back in the blinds and then back out into my room again my cat was wiggly his little bum ready to jump on it but i grabbed him as didn't want him to get stung. the Wasp then flew back out the blind and sat on the window so i got my magazine and shuffled the little bugger out and shut my window! I then went back to sleep but it was hard as i kept thinking about the stupid wasp and how it had been on my pillow. Eventually i nodded off again.

When i woke up i decided to have some lunch so had lunch and chilled out on the sofa with my dog dave. I decided to watch sex and the city movie. after that i checked my emails then my dad came home and i just chilled out with him and watched tv. So all in all not done much. To be honest i'm to tired to do alot at the moment.

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Annual review!

Had my annual review today. So had to starve as had to have my glucose blood sugars done. Got to the hospital at 8.30 had bloods done the lady had to stick me twice as the butterfly needle she used wasn't very good they've got new ones or something. I have always thought butterfly needles are not great anyway as surely the blood starts to clot in the long tube bit? well I did mention that and she said yeah it does especially if your taking alot and the blood comes through slowly which mine did lol . Anyway after that went to clinic where the nurses were there is one nurse who i get on well with called Cass. The physio Mixed up the "lovely" glucose drink for me. and it took me a good 10 mins to drink as it is so foul tasting. After that had a chat with the physio she is pleased with how i'm doing there abit concerned bout my lungs as after 3 weeks of iv's i'm still not that great. She checked my posture aswell as Cf's tend to hunch over abit due to all the coughing. i am slightly hunched which isn't to bad. Also my right shoulder is abit higher then my left but that could be cos i always carry my handbag on my right side lol. she also listened to my chest and said my right side sounds very crackly which makes sense as the other night i was having alot of pain with it She also felt the base of my chest and asked me to take some deep breaths My left side doesn't move as much as my right side but that's mainly due to where i had the bottom part of m lung collapse. Don't know if it's still collapsed or not but I'm sure the chest x-ray will show it if it is.

After the physio i saw the dietician she is nice and probably 1 of the only dieticians that i've ever got on with. She was pleased about my weight as it has gone up again which is great.
we talked about blood sugars and that mine have been a bit high and that maybe i should see the doctors at the diabetic clinic. there was also talk of maybe me having insulin i'm not to concerned about it as if it needs to be done then it needs to be done lol. She was saying i need to take maybe 1 more creon tablet with my meals so instead of 6 i'm to take 7 .

It was then nurse cass's turn to chat to me we went through all my medication then we discussed some things about transplant as i was a little worried that they may ask me to have a peg feeding tube (this is a tube that is put int
o your stomach so you can have feeds overnight to help boost our intake ) I'm not keen on the idea of having one so that's why i worried abit but cass says cos of m weight gain that i will likely not need one and that they may just give me a NG tube( this is a tube that is put down your nose and into your stomach) I've had one before and found it very uncomfortable but if it required for transplant then i am all for it. We then discussed my mum as it was clear i was not happy. My mum and her fiancee took me today which is good of them but at the same time it make sme feel crap. My mum moans about everything when i'm at hospital like how long is it gonna take? who you gotta see? Today she was like i don't wanna be here all bloody day... My reply was yes this is fun for me to!!! She winds me up big time. My mum's fiancee was then like don't you get snotty today! Hello this is happening to me not you but out! I feel like it's such a chore for her to take me to hospital you'd think being my mother she wouldn't mind but there ya go.
Like if i'm ill i have to go to her house if i wanna see her she won't come round here. As she has to much to do blahblah... I've tried talking to her but it's just thrown back at me that i don't understand how stressful it is for her? She don't live with me so whats stressful about it for her she is the one who walked out and decided she hated her life not that it's much better now running round after her toyboy cleaning and cooking for him. Me and Cass then talked about my anger towards my brother I feel angry towards him cos i find doing normal day to day things so hard and he just sit's on his computer or sleeps and basically does nothing. He eats the stuff i buy myself also it really annoys me! Also said about how i feel bout not being able to go out clubbing and swimming and stuff I was invited out for a friends birthday but i can't go as i know i won't feel great and won't enjoy myself and it would just spoil it for the rest so don't wanna go. The only friend who really bothers with me is Charly she takes me to hospital when i need to go and is always there to talk to. If it weren't for her i prob wouldn't leave the house. My dad is amazing always doing stuff for me and looking after me and I feel bad cos he shouldn't have to me being 24 i should be able to take care of myself! He says he don't mind but i do lol After transplant i don't think it;s fair that he should have to look after me until i am stronger it's not fair!

after talking to cass i went for my last blood test and then x-ray and then home. I just went straight to bed when i got in as i was so tired still am now but can't sleep all evening .

Today has really made me think and has actually made me quite sad also I feel very deflated and very alone!

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

am i paranoid?

Well yesterday i went up hospital cos i hadn't been feeling well my best mate took me which is nice of her she's a star. They took blood and put me back on a weeks worth of iv's .

Today i got a phone call saying my potassium is low which is why i'm tired and that cos i have had so much gentamycin the past 3 months to stop taking it. but to carryon the other drug. my crp is down aswell and my white blood cells which means no infection. so why do i still feel really rough am i paranoid?

Monday, 11 August 2008

still not great!

Haven't written over the weekend as have been to tired to. I dunno what the hell is wrong with me but i don't feel right at all. I'm eating really well still but that's down to the megace. I am so tired all the time i have literally been sleeping all day and only getting up to eat and then going back to sleep. Today i tried tidying my room but i just ended up in tears cos i felt so exhausted that i couldn't do it. everthing is so hard to do at the moment even having to get dressed is such a effort i haven't bothered putting makeup on today as i just am to tired to. Rang my hospital up and they said to come up tomoz so that's good. It's annoying cos i only finished iv's 4 days ago so you would think i was feeling better .

On saturday i got my letter from Harefield about my lung transplant assessement so was hapy bout that got to wait a little while yet but least i have my appointment which is the 1st of october. I'M nervous but happy bout it. anyway i'm getting a headache now so am going to go and drink some juice and rest on the sofa bye bye x

Thursday, 7 August 2008

hospital entertainment!

haven't written for a couple of days as haven't had anything much to say. Yesterday my friend had a job interview so i went along with her well i waited in the car for her lol . Fingers crossed she get's the job as she deserves it :) .

Had hospital today as it is end of iv's hurray! My lung function is the same as last week. But my weight is up again to 44kg yay i'm so pleased i love megace lol. me and charly were a bit bored waiting around so decided to entertain ourselves with a bowl that we found in the room it made such a lovely hat......!not lol but we found it funny i got aught twice wearing it on my head i felt like a bit of a tit hahaha! but hey it made me laugh. nicked some sputum pots aswell lol well they were sitting right behind me and i always need to take a sample with me when i go hospital so they came in handy lol. when i got home i had something to eat and had to wait for a phone call at 4pm from o2 about me topping up with my card as it wouldn't let me stupid thing but it's all sorted now. after that i had a little nap am now just waiting for my pizza to cook as am a little hungry. just gonna chill tonight as am shattered bye bye mwah xxx

Monday, 4 August 2008


Today has been okay, I woke up and done my iv's at 9 then had breakfast and had a little nap I then woke up and checked my emails and had a cup of tea while i thought about what to do today. I decided to tidy up so i tidyed my room and got all my washing ready for tomoz didn't have the energy to do it after tidying my room. i tidyed the kitchen as well then had some lunch and chilled out watching the tudors on dvd good program.

I'm just now waiting for my dad to finish work and then when he takes my bro to work we are going to go asda as i need some more food i can't stop eating lol. then gonna have a chilled night.

Sunday, 3 August 2008

I feel like a zombie!

Sorry i didn't write yesterday was totally out of it. All of yesterday i pretty much slept i could barely stay awake I got up at 9 to do my iv's and have some breakfast I nearly fell asleep doing my meds. after my breakfast i fell back to sleep. and woke again about 1ish and had some lunch. I was supposed to go to a family bbq yesterday but i just felt so drained that i didn't i went to my mum's for abit but started getting sleepy so decided to come home again. I came home and just chilled watching some telly and then about 9ish i had a bath. I then came down and did my iv's and watched big brother. my brother came home from work and we watched hostel 2 the n i went to bed.

Today has pretty much been the same i've slept all day. I woke up at 9 to do my meds but turned my alarm off so fell back to sleep with out doing them which i was angry about when i woke up again at 11. i then had some breakfast and watched hollyoaks and then fell asleep again i actually am finding it so hard to stay awake it's awful. i woke up about half 1 cos the grand prix was on so went downstairs to watch it. I then had some chicken and rice and then had another nap. Iv'e not long woke up and i am still so tired and i'm hating it. i ache all over it's driving me nuts. I have so much i need to do aswell like tidy my room do my washing, clean the bathroom but just wanna sleep instead. i'm just putting it down to my iv's . anyway am gonna have a cup of tea and watch arsenal on telly and hopefully stay awake lol bye bye mwah xxx

Friday, 1 August 2008

rough day

Had a very very very bad evening last night me and my best mate and a disagreement that upset us both. Then me and my dad had a massive row then me and my mum had a row over the phone was not good. When i get upset and worked up it's very hard for me to control my emotions and anger. Me and my mate are ok now tho we sorted it. I sat in the garden for about half an hour then gave my dad a hug and apologised and then we had a little chat. I then spke to my mum and apologised to her to so all is good now. I hate fights!

Cos i had worked myself up so much last night i felt pretty tired and ill today so stayed in bed all day and just slept. My dog Dave came and snuggled upto me as he knew i was feeling abit off it's sweet how animals know when your not well. I eventually got up cos i wanted to go to my mum's so got up and got dressed. am now just chilling at my mum's and usng her comp lol.

I text 1 of the cf nurse's cass today as wanted to see what my liver blood test results were. But they hadn't come back yet so got to ring on monday. Hope it's all ok.
It really rained today which was nice i wanted to go stand in it but i'd prob end up getting ill if i did lol.

Got my uncle's 50th BBQ tomoz which should be nice hopefully it'll be nice weather and not raining bu also not to hot lol. anyway shall write again tomoz bye bye mwah x